21.7.13

blah blah

well. I'm back with a huge lonely feeling to write on in this page. so much win, huh? because finally I have a desire to write again in this blog. this summer, again, I am doing nothing and regret every second I have passed because of so much time I wasted. If I looked back, it doesn't really such a waste. But when I looked it very clearly, that's me whom been an actor, doing it occasionally to wasting my time. and without a shame to remember after done that. Why did I become so shameless person? Am I being a nuts to waste my precious time? Yes, I think now I am crazy, enough to be called a crazy person. I have so much things to do that I have been planned on my mind. But there's nothing of them I execute. I am just lied down and watched every movies and reality shows that I saved in my laptop, or went to campus for some doing research that I never wanted to do.. or googling some crazy stuff and got back nothing. and of course, never going back here to prevent any dramatically stuff to write on. Yes, those all activities that I have been done in a whole month. It such a waste, huh?!

Okay. so what's happened now until I decided to come up here? is there anything wrong? (looks like, again, I made a dialogue in my writing, I have been such a lonely person in this holiday) and the answer is Yes. So big Yes. Before that, I have to put some, brief prologue: my sister is welcomed to being a doctor in Universitas Andalas. And my whole family is busy preparing for her. that's it. It's started from there. I didn't mention that I envy her or anything bad, not at all. Honestly, I am a proud sister! Who the hell will desperate if one of your family will become a great doctor someday? are you crazy? I am happy! -- at the first. but some events that following that day is becoming so hurt badly for me. My parents seem tough to say good-bye for my sister and knowing the truth that they will just live with their rude daughter. And I am also will miss her badly because most of the things in my life getting shared with her. she's like part of myself, we often called a twin sister because of our likely face. but, I don't know, maybe because of my rudeness and impolite act made my parent so much angry and decided to blame me on everything, even they wished me for sooner to get a job and etc that wishing me for leave this house. I know I was growing become a rude person in my family. If I came down, my family act so weird, they often laugh or talking. But when I'm gone, they start to talk and laugh each other. I see it's better to keep they happy without me. I know it exactly. But when you know that, you become so much hurt.. because you know that no one in this world wanted you, wanted you with them.

I committed to live alone in this live. this commitment makes my ego getting bigger and bigger every single day have passed. but, I also always thinking about it every second I had, that if it was right to made those decisions? I'm not like any other person whom care enough to debate on belief system you had or any because I already satisfied with I had. But when it comes to getting married (and because I'm getting my 20s about months again) or living in this world, the couples, and commitment, it's really filling my head and sometimes took your time. I don't blame my family to made me become a person like now, but I wish if I lived with a respect manner, beauty words, not-angry daddy, sweet sister, wonderful brother, and fair mother.. maybe I will not come to this decision. Maybe a family is a great picture to come with, maybe I will have some boyfriend in this age. Old people said, "past is a past, what's been done is never can be fixed" but I believe we could fix it, in some other way.

Oh, God. Give me your strength.

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