Close yet so far

It's been quite a while I haven't write something. Not because I don't want to, it just because my time had been used for something else for anything else but for me. I kinda feel how is growing old mean. Back then, when I was a child, I was wondering how can my father did not have time to change his phone ringtone. His phone when it was ringing sound so old and boring. Now looking at me, that is my situation now. I do not change my ringtone, even not change my wallpaper phone for many years ago after high school graduation. I am wondering how could it be...

Is that me growing old? or is that me losing my purpose and joy of life?

I always tell myself to not give up and waste my seconds just doing nothing, but I ended up doing so.. that was so pathetic and giving me a knock down to myself until I become more despair that I have ever imagined. I am working my butt ass for nothing and feel so empty. I don't gain anything despite have to look at ego and pride of human everyday. I feel hopeless. And I am only twenty-two yet I give up after doing nothing. I am always complaining. I learn nothing. I am just doing repetition. I am young yet old inside. Used to be brave and smart now have to keep silent under political and ego of hierarchy yet pride of someone. Why I keep involve of things that I used to avoided?

I did once try to escape but things have failed. I have ran but always fell down. I am praying for happiness and dream that I used to have everyday. I just want to be free and happy. I want to see colors of world. I want to feel changes in front of my eyes. I want to keep running and sense new things everyday.... uncertain feelings and meet new people.. learn new things and accomplish something new... that's all. Close yet so far.

When it will be happened?