6.11.16

Close yet so far

It's been quite a while I haven't write something. Not because I don't want to, it just because my time had been used for something else for anything else but for me. I kinda feel how is growing old mean. Back then, when I was a child, I was wondering how can my father did not have time to change his phone ringtone. His phone when it was ringing sound so old and boring. Now looking at me, that is my situation now. I do not change my ringtone, even not change my wallpaper phone for many years ago after high school graduation. I am wondering how could it be...

Is that me growing old? or is that me losing my purpose and joy of life?

I always tell myself to not give up and waste my seconds just doing nothing, but I ended up doing so.. that was so pathetic and giving me a knock down to myself until I become more despair that I have ever imagined. I am working my butt ass for nothing and feel so empty. I don't gain anything despite have to look at ego and pride of human everyday. I feel hopeless. And I am only twenty-two yet I give up after doing nothing. I am always complaining. I learn nothing. I am just doing repetition. I am young yet old inside. Used to be brave and smart now have to keep silent under political and ego of hierarchy yet pride of someone. Why I keep involve of things that I used to avoided?

I did once try to escape but things have failed. I have ran but always fell down. I am praying for happiness and dream that I used to have everyday. I just want to be free and happy. I want to see colors of world. I want to feel changes in front of my eyes. I want to keep running and sense new things everyday.... uncertain feelings and meet new people.. learn new things and accomplish something new... that's all. Close yet so far.

When it will be happened?


28.7.16

Akhirnya saya sadar.

Anda tahu, saya tidak pernah bisa benar-benar lepas bercerita kepada seseorang. Katakanlah, saya terlalu berhati-hati dalam bersikap atau terlalu negatif berspekulasi bahwa tidak orang yang benar-benar bisa saya percayai. Bahkan hal ini berlaku kepada orang terdekat sekalipun. Terkadang, yang saya butuhkan bila saya, akhirnya, dapat bercerita adalah dukungan moral. Bukan tawa palsu atau kritik.

Sudah lama tidak menulis sesuatu di blog ini. Semua hal berjalan dengan baik, pekerjaan dan hubungan sosial saya. Hanya saja ada sesuatu yang mengganjal di hati saya. Ada perasaan tidak nyaman yang saya bahkan tidak tahu bagaimana cara mengungkapkannya.

Hari ini saya pergi bekerja seperti biasa. Berangkat dengan commuter line setengah jam setelah berjalan kaki lima menit dari rumah, berdesak-desakan selama setengah jam dengan ribuan commuter dari Bekasi. Melintasi stasiun Manggarai yang berantakan, dan lagi berebutan dengan ratusan commuter yang mengejar kereta di rel seberang peron. Kacau. Tapi apa daya, yang saya bisa lakukan hanya menghirup udara lebih banyak dan menghembuskannya, mencari sedikit tambahan energi. Ini Jakarta, ucap saya di hati.

Setelah menunggu lima menit di peron enam, kereta yang akan membawa saya datang. Selalu kosong, selalu damai, selalu terasa nyaman karena melawan arus jutaan pekerja arah Sudirman sana. Hanya di saat ini, saya selalu bisa mengembalikan ketenangan dan berpikir bahwa ada baiknya kantor di lokasi sekarang. Setelah 15 menit perjalanan, saya kemudian mencari tiga orang asing yang berangkat ke arah sama menuju kantor, patungan biaya taksi, agar hemat. Melintasi jutaan mobil pekerja diramainya jalan tol Jorr. Biasanya saya akan turun langsung di depan kantor, masuk melintasi penjaga gedung, menyapa selamat pagi, berusaha bersikap baik dan tersenyum, menunggu lift turun dan naik membawa saya ke lantai dimana saya akan menghabisi hampir sembilan jam ke depan.
 
Ah. Apa saya harus bercerita apa yang saya lakukan biasanya selama sembilan jam tersebut?
 
Biasanya setelah saya menaruh tas di meja saya, menyapa rekan kerja seruangan. Memasang muka dingin ke bos di samping. Lalu mengambil biji kopi dan membawanya ke pantry untuk di ubah menjadi segelas kopi susu hangat.
 
Kembali ke meja, membuka email, cek jadwal meeting (dan mengecek apakah ada meeting super maha penting dengan atasan saya), mempersiapkan materi meeting, mengecek apakah ada laporan penting yang harus dikirimkan hari ini, melakukan pekerjaan detil, meeting sana-sini, masalah di sana-sini, dan akhirnya makan siang yang super cepat. Kembali bekerja dan repeat.

Repeat. And repeat.
 
Bagaimana? anda bosan? apalagi saya yang menjalani hidup ini.
Setelah sekian lama akhirnya saya menyadari bahwa saya tidak melakukan apa-apa di sini. Apakah ini karena saya masih mencari jati diri? Sudah cukupkah saya di sini?

Sebenarnya tidak ada masalah disini. Semuanya baik-baik saja. Hanya saja semua ini terasa tidak menantang, tidak ada yang saya pelajari lagi. Semuanya semu. Hanya lewat di hati.

Akhirnya saya sadar; saya harus pergi.

Lagi.

7.5.16

23

1st May. May day. But for me, that is a day of a new day(life) for me. My birth day.

Thank you for everything.

I am sending my gratitude to Allah SWT, my parents for having me so far, my sisters and brother, my family. They always there, they always be my home even though I am as I am. Whom not a really nice, immature, unwise, lazy girl.

I am really thankful for my best friends, they are people who still with me even though I am as I am. I am not that funny, not that good listener, not a good joker, not always ready to pick up their phones nor listen to their sad stories. I am a bad friend but they are still there. Which makes me so grateful that I have still friends surround me.

I really want to say thank you for myself. That has been working so hard to make me be here up until now. As I am now. But I wish that I can be more a good person in the future, makes my parents proud even more, a more greater role model for my siblings, more better in work, more open with new people, be a good friend to your best friends, more open-minded and show my feelings more to people, let new people getting into my life, and more love your own self.

I just want to say, Happy Birthday! 23 is a great number!

Europe tour

I just got back from my short trip to Europe a couple days ago. It was an astonish experience, since I decided to travel alone, by myself, to give more time for myself to think and understand of how life works.

The journey was, how should I called it, an expensive one? I am not only talking in terms of value in money, but also in value of time. I was like trading my life to those two weeks moment (even though later on many things happened, like my phone was turned out broken and all of photos taken there was gone, I am still okay. I remember all little things happened there).

During my weeks there for working, I met amazing people with high integrity and good professional manner. I guess many things has to be upgraded in my working method, and how I solve everything surround. Those people that sent to HQ was selected and I, luckily was one of them. We were talking in group, thinking about ideas and improvement methods. One thing back then that was popped out in my head was "Ah, there are many journeys in here, still long way to go". I see a glimpse of world in that room filled with 70 heads that time.

I visited some places in my trip. You know, I like to emphasize the chance I have. I stayed for week in Stuttgart, Karlsruhe, and Munich of Germany. I really enjoyed my learning curves there, like when was asking people to help me buy the train ticket from the machine, saying goodbye and thank you in local language, visiting local events and markets there, enjoying the home made brewery with locals, riding a local public transportation, sipping local coffee, and getting troubled with security control there. That was amazing :)

And I also met many new friends from all over the world. They are from Japan (for sure), Turkey, Germany, Korea, Australia, USA, Prague, Brazil, and Mexico. Only me is coming from ASEAN. A-ma-zing, since not often we show up in international event like that. All of that was happened thanks to my superior and boss that allowed me to go there and used their budget. Like thanks!

After finished for working stuff, I extended my trip to do personal stuffs. I visited my friend in Rotterdam, we met during open trip in Indonesia couple months ago. She invited me to stay in her house and I was accepted that. So from Munich, I went along the lines to go there. I visited Salzburg, Austria (and cancelled my trip to Prague since it was too far from the Netherlands), and Antwerp, Brussels of Belgium. It was so lovely to stays for week as local in Holland. I was riding a bike, visiting museum, shopping to the local grocery shop, tapping the ticket as local, saying thanks in Deutsch (haha), seeing the tulip, cheesy cheese, freezing super cold since the wind was too strong (event that was in Spring), seeing snow in the first time of my life, and feeling super grateful for my friend having me as super best host ever in the world!

Europe has showed me its charm, many times. Now I have experienced it by myself. And I cannot wait to come back again, to stay there a little longer while pursue my study there. I love the people, love the fresh air there, love how the wind blows there. Everything is new for me but that's what makes me want to go back again. I will be back :)

21.3.16

Circle of Life, Karma, and Reincarnation

I am astonished of how the rules of life is. Quoting what Elton John wrote in his song "Circle of Life":
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
Or for me, the other word for it is Karma. I believe that we are live in circle, dot, of things called life. Everything is round and you will never know where is the end. It has no beginning and it has no end. Once you die, someday you will be alive again. So in Buddhist way, later in our reincarnation, we might be rebirth as a more better/ worse luck depends on your deeds during your present life. Aside of it is related with Buddhist religion, I take the good point, that you have to do the rights in order to make your future life also right. Do not only think about the present, set your life far far far away as you can. Be a good person as much as you can. Later you will get the benefit of what you have done.

And I learned in these past months, during my quiet moments, that my life could be only one month, year, or years. Who knows. I was thinking being a youth does not mean you can live freely. You need to be responsible, of your life and your surrounding (family, boyfriend, friends). So I decided to plan my life for next five years ahead, specifically. Therefore, it can help me to remind me how far I have done so far before I reach my end, and before my life will be restarted.

Because you need a goal in your life, therefore you can determine what is happiness of your own.

19.2.16

Mumble

The sound of train passing by the rail. People crowded catching their time, to not missing check-in to attendance machine, in Manggarai transit station, just make me frustated. At the time I get into my train, the feeling when you ride along empty train to Bogor, enjoying your time alone, healing my frustation before. I become empty and ready to work. Yes this is me in this past one year and three months.

(Written on my way to my workplace in this tiring week. Wondering what already get into my main inbox.)


14.2.16

Blank Space

It is sad to realise that yourself already do not have energy to even think about your own life, despite everyday busy think about work stuffs, people's sake, strangers...

It is miserable to have no energy to achieve your bucket list. Your inner self already tired and stuffy to even get up from sleep at the weekend.

It is so sad that you proudly annouce you are the youngest there but your soul maybe the one which most rotten among others.

Now you only have black space, if you just let this things happen and happen and happen..........