13.12.15

Welcome to the real life, post-graduates!

Born as first child in ordinary family, it is common for me to hold back what I want to just asking for what I need. I was taught about share and be patient, about how to survive in this competitive world. One lesson which I still remember from my elementary school teacher was about even when we were still in our mom's tummy, we already compete with thousand million of sperm to be the one who could be an embryo and become the baby. I am a winner, as same as you.

Back then in campus, I was famous with some my Bffs as ambitious girls. Like everyone always try to compete with us in everything. Well, it just because of us so stands out that's why people called us ambitious, but in the brighter side, it always made me to do more and more since they indirectly made me to work harder to keep that titled always stick on me. Yet as ambitious one, I don't think that label was bad enough for a human, no?


I remember that even in canteen, we were talking about plan to join this competition, that event, those classes, and everything. I do not regret myself as ambitious one, yet I am grateful since I take this as my practice of how hard it is to survive in the real life. The competition is more harsher than you even have tried in the university, comparing with that, it does not even a glimpse. Many dramas, many lies, so much tears, you would not even can imagine it.

So guys, it's okay to be ambitious, it is okay. It is okay to be different but also indifferent. Nobody cares, nobody really listens. They just wanted to know, yet they don't event give a shit. Just live your life to the fullest, reach you dream as high as you can. Be careful and welcome to the real life for those just have graduated!

Wish me soon follow your steps for taking the masters! :)

24.9.15

Me and an Affogato

Holiday means brainstorming for me.

I have a free time, good coffee in hand -even though alone in this cozy coffee shop, the music is so damn ear-catchy till make you relax and not thinking about tomorrow.

I was thinking about going wild recently. I already have been so calmed and going through the path lately. And that's not really me being me. That's just me playing safe.

Couple days ago I just did something brave and spoke what I thought. It's bad that I have to do that instead of they take initiative to do so. Well, I don't know the result of my 'brave or stupid' actions, but whatever happen in the future I will not regret it. I just so tired being stupid and boring person.

Now I am under project with myself. The inner soul of mine --who really feel lonely haha want me to step out from the shed where I hiding for too many years. Yes, the project is just me being very very very friendly with everyone who trying to talk with me :) I am now in friendly mode. You will find me on your nearest coffee shop since I am also do some creative project to taste and compare the goods and bads of coffee shop in Jakarta greater area. My friend will open her coffee shop soon and my other friend will finish his long journey of finding the best coffee bean in Indonesia in couple months again, I will join them!

You know (or not) I really love coffee. I love meet new people and talk with them about anything. Open my mind, broaden my perspective, and cherish my moment. That's great how you see people could easily connected just because a coffee bean or how great it is to smell the scent of fresh brewed coffee, or just listen together the French music from old music box in the corner.

Now, I have to go back sip my hot affogato.

8.9.15

Should I?

It's me, in the middle of night, wanted to clean up my messy room suddenly after had arrived late night from office. I tidied up my bed, arranged inside of the cupboard, and cleaned up the working desk. When I opened the shelf, I found little treasure from college life that succed to make me smile, agonizing the sweet memory.

I found letters from my friends, their sweet and honest messages for me. In red box of shelf corner, lied couple of name cards of successful alumnus frol reputable company. I also found post card from my overseas friend that I know from many conferences and events which I joined.

I was drowned into old memories again. Thinking how sweet, free, and fun my lofe in university. Then I start comparing with my current life, which has no fun at all.

My mom yesterday said something luke "I feel pity on you. After put so much effort in university, now you also have to work this very hard? When will your life be much more fun, Kid?"

Then I stop. Should I wake up now?

30.4.15

Heyya!

Just to keep me posting one each month. I am alive.

I think I am now getting used to as corporate finance. Well, it is not what I imagine before in the future. But as I am taking this chance as exercise for me to manage my own corporation, I take every lesson I learned each day into my mind. Like the interaction with colleagues, meeting and negotiate with my supervisor, and keep my professional manner on top of everything.

I am not a person that really like stock price, market, and risk that lied on your portfolio, I am not that kind of person. That sticky image well not really attach to my mind even one sec. Even after I knew some of my friends that work in financial industry live with wealthy and high-class standard living, imagining me in that kind of situation is not appealing me.

Evaluate what I have done so far, I am still seeking my true passion day by day. I am still questioning my daily activities as corporate finance as my future. But still wondering if I could be someone useful for my country/society if I keep in this position and company? (or am I being too naive?) that is just what in my mind honestly everyday. Truely a visioner? LOL.

Tomorrow is my birthday anw.

I wish I could achieve all of my goals for this year and be useful and more great person day by day. I hope I could travel the world before I die. and I hope I could continue my study to master as soon as possible, wherever the country is. And I hope I could always make my parents proud of me.

HBD to me in advance! Yey 21yrs old already!

15.4.15

I am a woman.

OI think I reach my point where whenever I pass by, everyone will get my charm (?). I mean, I am quiet attractive lately. Yes a little narcissist but that is real! I am enjoy this current situation, while I am trying to open myself and trying to see possibilities where I can find someone who match with my egoistic self.

In the past, I see people in relationship is stupid human who got fooled by something called love, the human made phrasw which could make everything is right, eventhough it should not be called right. Nothing changes a lot in the present for me. I am still looking a relationship a terrible way to call off, but human nature still inside me. I am lurking for attention or care by someone lately. So I thought I was crazy, lack of activities, etc. I am deny it.

Time is ticking. But I wont make my self under pressure bcs of it since I want to enjoy my freedom and my time. I am still waiting and searching the one that really could fulfill my desire of what a partner of life is. Not only temporary lover or lust filled but the one whom could be my partner, my friend, lover, and listener for my entire life.

Let me being an or called as naive. I am a woman.

23.3.15

Sooner or later.

It's been March and will reach end of it soon.

While time goes by, I am doing my job here, looking of any possibility, risk, and opportunity for my company to hold and grow in Indonesia. Or instead should I mention, just helping my manager doing their analysis? whatever it is, practically I am enjoying my time here and learning a lot from people here.

Working as an ordinary worker means having a space to think and spend time more with yourself. I would like to say that I have more quality time with family and myself, comparing when I was a consultant back then. I could see my Mom before and after going to work. I could say 'good night' to my little sister and 'have a nice day in school' to her before I leave home. I can spend two hours running at my cardio and watching my favourite Korean drama, stalking their forum, and wishing my favourite couple would have real relationship. I could enjoy the latest movie in cinema every Friday night with my best friend and enjoy cup of coffee in coffee shop at the corner near my home. I never have traffic jam in these 4 months since I only take train and company's car to reach the office building. To sum up, my regularly life sounds normal and nice.

But well, if you know me well, what I have told you above are not what I expect to happen in earlier stage of my career. Instead, there are what my parents expect towards me. I rather say, I am just fine that happy for this condition. I am not saying that I will quit from my current job right now (I have not think about it since my current responsibility still challenging for me), I just think that they are left space to be working on.

And yes, when I struggle and chaos with my own mind, God always know how to make it works.

(sorry to late for inform you guys about my bff condition. She is right now in very good condition. She already left the hospital, she could talk and walk again, and she is now in recovery to her normal condition. When she fits to work, she definitely will going to work and reach her dreams again, soon.)

I was invited to visit my lecturer's house with my two bffs (yes, with the one whom struggle with the virus in her brain). My lecturer also had attacked by the same virus. She shared her inspiring stories, knowledges, and quotes. We also have a time to share our stories, and I shared the one I never shared before, my dreams, the real one. Since now I think I don't live a life that I wanted the most, I told them. My lecturer listened carefully and suggested me a good and strong opinion: I shall continue my master as soon as possible.

Yes. I finally found the one that share a same vision with me. And she is my own old lecturer. I never expected that day I would give a joy tears. I really happy to finally realize that I should run again to catch my old dream. At that day, me and my bffs took a promise, that we have to prepare to start our own dream. We agreed to spend every Saturday together to prepare the master degree.

Now I am not seeing my regular day as regular any more. Instead, I see the opportunity to study again. I could emphasize my time (that usually my auditor friends still in office checking line by line the differences that they get) to learn English, Math, macroeconomics, doing my research, everything.

I know it still a long way to go. But at least I know for sure it will happen, sooner or later. Since I already working on it. and the best is I am not alone, I, once again, reach my dream accompanied by my best friend. We can share our joy, hard time, and difficulties together.

and I hope whoever you are and whatever your dreams are, you could be optimist and reach the goal. sooner or later. God will always be with you :)

8.2.15

How-do-ya!

Good day, everyone! How's life so far?

Mine is full of ups and downs. But if I have to looked back, it won't be so much for bragging comparing with my friends' accomplishment. Well yeah, I know the recipe to make live more happily is not to compare yours with anybody. And with that ingredients, I would like to say that mine nowadays is soooo great.

I have good colleagues in my company, great mentors, great role manager to be looked upon, and great opportunities to develop myself. I have to admit that myself is not that great in finance related stuff, since my real soul is in artsy and consulting. My brave ideas don't have source to put it on, since I have to stay calm in my company right now, quietly do the repetitive job and staff thingy that should align with what you have ordered. But yeah, I will try to live like this a little more, because I want to see if these things are fit with me or not.

--

Yesterday I was confused. My best friend still lay upon her bed in hospital. I was mad upon my parents for nothing. And I don't have any gank, so yes this loneliness feeling came straightforward heading to me yesterday. It was so painful if I tried to remember. Knowing that no one need you, even your most beloved one. But hey, that just me being sentimental. Now I have gained my power and I am trying to fix this. I do not know what it will be feels like later after I moved out and live by myself. I am trying to solve this by join some yoga club, youth community, and forum. Reaching the social power.

and that's that the summary for this whole time. hope in the future I will inform you a very good news one ya. See you and deliver thousand kissess :*

1.1.15

I wonder why

Some said I am a complex woman, some said I am a cold-hearted one. I agree with that label but particularly only for love matter. Since I do not want to deeply involved with those kind of things just because it will waste my time. Too much drama and unimportant things will happen. Also hurt feeling that could not be avoided in love relationship.

With those reasons, I wonder why should not me also avoiding to have a relationship with friends? like best friends? since they also human and need my thought and care, as well as boyfriend. I do not why but I just realize this side of perspective right now.

I do not how often I told my stories about how harsh and tough my struggle to keep understand in my friendship. I remember sometimes I could shed my tears just because my friends forget to asked me out with them (back then I way too over sensitive, since I was lonely in boarding room and felt cornered). I could spent many hours just to chit-chat with my friends, forgetting all materials for exam, just for having fun. Then I also forget that maybe in relationship with boy, you may be not to receive the pain every time, but also joy and happiness came along together. I forgot those things, I always put up my naive and coldness principle, that I hate male creature, their egoism and high pride. I am way too generalize Mars-kind. I feel so stupid.

One of the strongest reason that I believe is that I could not have a commitment, since I always get boring in short time for everything. But, hey! you know what? I have two best friends from junior high school until now (yes, 8 years straight) whom always support and listen to me, wherever and whatever they do. Somehow I wonder, is there anyone out there could be possibly way more understand and care of me more than my two best friends? if yes, then maybe I could spend years with him. I am not saying to live ever after, just being realistic.

I wonder how much time could lead changes to me. And you, could you please stay with me here to listen what I am doing tomorrow and after? thanks for visiting and happy new year!