Sebentar lagi liburan!

Sudah menjadi kebiasaan selama dua tahun terakhir, setiap akhir tahun aku pasti akan ke Bali untuk berlibur. Bilangnya ke Mama dan Papa sih untuk menjernihkan pikiran, karena aku lebih banyak pergi di Ubud ketimbang di Seetminyak atau Canggu. Selama aku di Bali, biasanya aktifitas yang aku lakukan kalau nggak ngopi, jalan-jalan santai, berenang, diving, atau yoga. Dan sudah dua kali berturut-turut juga aku selalu pergi dengan sahabatku yang ketemunya cuma setahun dua kali. Tahun pertama kita cuma berdua, tahun kedua kemarin dia turut serta bawa pacarnya, dan tahun ini kebetulan kita pergi dengan rombongan baru.

Tahun ini kita pergi berbarengan dengan Ubud Writer Festival, dilanjutkan dengan memesan meja di untuk makan malam mewah sambil menikmati wine nikmat dari Chef ternama. Terus rombongannya total jadi enam orang, makin lama jadi semakin ramai. Yang membuat aku semakin semangat, karena berbarengan dengan UWRF, aku jadi nggak sabar untuk belajar dan kenalan dengan orang baru-- sambil setelahnya istirahat dan menikmati tenangnya Ubud.

Walaupun setelah beberapa hari yang lalu aku baru saja tertimpa musibah-- nabrak mobil orang dan urusan asuransi yang belum kelar. Untunglah punya Mama yang pengertian, yang tetap ngizinin aku pergi terlepas dari biaya yang begitu banyak keluar di bulan ini. Liburan ini beneran aku tunggu-tunggu karena bulan Oktober di kantor itu berat dan stressful banget, jadinya ini epitome untuk kesehatan pikiranku.

Jadi, sampai bertemu minggu depan. Semoga ada cerita menarik yang bisa aku tulis disini.

Adios~

Meracau.

Oh begini ya rasanya mempunyai tanggung jawab dalam keterbatasan.

Ada perasaan yang setiap malam menghantuimu. Ada keinginan yang terkungkung. Seperti mengakui bahwa kini aku menyerah.

Aku bukan orang yang berlimpah harta, teman, dan waktu. Segalanya cukup, segalanya pas.
Namun akhir-akhir ini demi memuaskan seseorang, kupaksa keterbatasanku lebih dari biasanya. Demi kebahagiaannya, kukorbankan mimpi-mimpiku.

Yang aku tahu, saat itu tujuanku hanya untuk melihat senyum seseorang merekah. Mimpinya menjadi nyata. Karena aku yakin aku bisa lebih dari aku yang saat ini.

Tapi kadang rencana dan kenyataan berkata lain.

Lagi, aku terjebak dalam keputusan yang salah.

Sehingga kini aku harus menyerah. Harus rela dan berbohong menutupi keadaan.

Ingin rasanya aku menangis. Tapi kepada siapa? dan untuk apa?
Ingin rasanya aku pergi. Lelah itu sudah sampai ke kerongkongan.

Umurku sebentar lagi akan menginjak amgka 26. Sudah lewat masa midlife crisis yang digaung-gaungkan sebagai titik terberat hidup sebelum dewasa penuh. Nyatanya, hidupku masih sama-sama saja, berkisaran di lingkaran dengan radius yang sama. Terkadang untuk mengisi rutinitas yang bosan, aku melarikan diri melakukan hal-hal ringan yang membuatku senang dan sejenak melupakan tuntutan hidup. Contohnya seperti ikut kegiatan volunteering, belajar bahasa isyarat, atau ikut seminar apapun itu. Yang sesedikit mungkin melibatkan banyak biaya karena uang pun aku tidak punya terlalu banyak karena sebagian besar aku sisihkan untuk menolong keluargaku mewujudkan mimpi kami.

Rasanya senang keluar dari rutinitas kantor, kemacetan jakarta, abu-abunya ibu kota dengan bertemu orang-orang yang penuh dengan ide, kreativitas, warna, dan tawa. Memang semuanya hanya sementara karena itu semua hanya pelarian semata. Aku masih punya tanggungan dan harapan, jadi tidak bisa mengejar mimpiku sebenarnya. Aku banyak takut untuk terbang lari mengambil keputusan dengan cepat karena begitu banyak risiko yang harus aku perhitungkan masuk sebelum mengiyakan. Aku sendiri masih bingung dengan diriku dan mau dibawa kemana hidupku. Tapi begitu menyesakkan ketika setiap hari, di meja makan, pertanyaan tentang "apa saja yang harus kamu lakukan dihidupmu" selalu dilontarkan dan ditanyakan.

Mimpiku tidak muluk-muluk, aku ingin keluargaku bahagia, hangat, dan penuh tawa. Baru sehabis itu aku bisa mencari kebahagiaanku sendiri. Akupun masih takut untuk menerima orang lain masuk ke dalam hidupku, karena aku terlalu banyak melihat tangis dan pengorbanan dalam sebuah rumah tangga. Bukannya tidak mau memulai hubungan, tapi rasa ketakutan dan keraguan itu lebih besar dari rasa butuh, sehingga kadang aku lebih memilih sendiri dan mampu bertahan tanpa bantuan dan uluran kasih sayang orang lain.

Walaupun begitu, aku tetap berusaha mengobati semua luka dan memerangi ketakutan ini. Hanya waktunya belum mempertemukanku dengan orang yang tepat. Yang aku mau dan pinta dari Tuhan dan keluargaku, tolong tunggu aku... jangan paksa aku... doakan kebahagiaan untukku. Semua tuntutan kalian hanya membuatku semakin terluka...

Coming back

Hi.

Recently I was shocked and triggered by two instastories posting from Maudy Ayunda.
She just announced her acceptance to two most prestigious university in US and hoped everyone's blessing while she juggling with hard beautiful decisions to be made in the middle of her mountainous activity doing concert, ambassador, a model, being healthy and good lover. What an amazing life to have. A good reminder for me in that morning to do more extra miles. I do much lesser than her, hiding behind my insecurities and family condition, talking about how busy I am everyday working in the office and feel so tired after worked. But in the same time, Maudy can do much more than us, yes with her condition that much more have privileges but still she worked it out and made her steps came true. Meanwhile, me just give up and do nothing.

Thanks for her. I am trying again to move forward grasp my dream.

Bismillah.

Happy New Year, 2019

Dear folks, happy new year 2019! *phew pheww* I am still alive, single, and happy!

Nothing is really fun happened after I moved to the new office (yes, starting to complain again), just back to boring and normal life but it was healthier mentally and physically for me as I live back with my parents and have better relationship in office with my new colleagues, which I did not get any more in the old office after what had happened between me and my boss. But overall, I did some throwbacks and learned to move on. In early Dec 18, I visited the old office as I need to meet my doctor in Siloam to get the last shot for my HPV. I managed to meet le boss and gave him some updates of me. Personally, it will be my last visit to them as I really want to move on and forget the past. By end of the year, I also spent quite a few days in Ubud and learned to let go things. I managed to survive the quarter-life crisis gracefully and learned that sometimes (and most of the time) life will not follow your plan therefore I need to be more patient and acceptance as well as doing more way harder than before to achieve all the goals.

Moving forward, I decided to focus more on my health, financial independence, and family in 2019. Even though I will continue travelling overseas in this year, I still need to manage financially-able to save and finally purchase my own car by end of this year (1) as well as engaged with bank to give me loan for credit housing (2). You know, adulthood, never less about money and money. Then, I am going to pursue my master degree (3) seriously this year. I do not see any significant obstacles to prepare my self for this, it just me being coward and make many excuses while time goes by. Meanwhile, I have purchased airfares to India, Labuan Bajo, and Amed for this year trip and planning to do short getaway to Bagan and Germany for business trips. For relationships (yes, it is in my resolution)I made an amend to myself to be more open to new people and get flirty a little bit more. As I understand that people do not really like difficult people like me, so yeah, why do not we play around and try a little this year?

All in one, I must say I could not wait to live on my 2019 more greater than 2018. With many faces, relationships, and changes, looking forward to cheers it out of my lungs!

158 of 365

Bonjour! Quick update from my life piece. This month will be my last month working in current company. Finally I found a better place nearby my house to continue my learning curve as corporate finance. It will not have a big jump in career as I will have the same position within Germany company as well, the good side that take into consideration is the location and the environment.

Yes, the company environment of my current one is not that good as it used to. Good timing that this chance came at the right time with enough amount of luck that I could nailed the interview and all the stages.

Resignation letter has been approved and counting days to my last day; it will be 25th June.
This is a big step for me, that I could step out from my comfort zone. It's been a roller coaster working in my current company.

But life should moving on otherwise we will be left out.

Can't wait to reach the day and take a lot of good pictures with people I adored the most for these past 3 and half years. So hard to say goodbye that's why I just told them recently. Most of them are shock and sad but I was relieved they are also happy for me.

Will share it later for me to remember as well.

Keep in touch, B.

7 of 365

Contemplation. The first one in 2018.

I was playing around lately with my friends. I knew it's considered already late for my age to start clubbing, drinking, 'playing', but as long as it's for learning, i guess it's OK, right?. I know my self in this particular topic will be good enough to handle the invitation of unimaginable things you can imagine at some place people like to side away. Sorry it's hard for you to understand, but my point is I was trying to do some bad stuffs lately. And I am good and safe.

Loud music, people dancing uncontrollable, desires, alcohol, cigarettes, and things you know a lot from movies are there for real. I just know that. Good things I always with good people around me so I just there for see and learn. People can be so unintentionally brutally come into your life just because a sip of gin and tonic. And a bottle of wine could be your a-night-friend since it could overcome your stress and sadness. But at the end when you become sober, it will back to you eventually.

Drama in life is never my things. I do hate people whom create drama in their own life. As growing old, you should becomes mature and able to take responsibility of your own act; despite it's right or wrong. You choose your peers, you filter the information you wanted to absorb and believe. Therefore, consequences will always be there. Seeing people dancing and crying under alcohol control, blaming the liquid effect later on is never a good scene for me to watch. Disappointment and lost respect are.

Well, those places are never belong to the real me so I better to stop coming over. To many dramas that I cant handle is no good for my health.

Start it over and I can do it!

Hey, it's me! It's been a while since last time, I tried couple times to logged in but end up failed because this blog is linked to my hotmail account which was created a century ago, where I could not connect to the email due to forgettable passport and unfriendly access to connect the account. Despite the hardships, I still able to make it until this far: I can write here again!

Well. A lot of things I would like to share here after my journey from Surabaya. I am still trying to find my happiness, but it seems that I enjoy my place a lot more now- which is the thing I am afraid the most. I have a great friend here, who able to listen my troubles where my best friend could not understand. At least we suffer the same issues, which is why we can connect so well. I am not really that extra mile employee, because I know my passion is not really there anymore. I lose my respect to someone I used to respect before because at the end, that person is not that perfect anyway. Looking in a nutshell, everything is so fragile now. I look happy but inside I am still blank. I always questioning what should I do and why I always waste my time by sleeping and closing my eyes. Doing things that I knew from early wasn't meant for me. Laughing over the wound that I made myself.

I still do not have anything. No one beside me, nothing left in my bank account, not much experience. And when I looked back to that person whom I adore so much long long ago, he now has a beautiful wife and child, just back from his master with bucket of experiences that he could share. Where I still have nothing. He already ran extra miles in his life. I know I should stop compare my life with anybody's and try to work my ass on it, but still... with exposure from social media I could not stop those informations coming into my life. At the end, it's normal to compare it with yours.x

Still many years to come to thick my bucket list. It's near end of 2017. Let's do something!

This is my bucket list and I promise to finish it before my 30yrs end (amin!)

1. Master degree of Economics and Finance in USA/Germany/NZ/Canada
2. Bought a house in Jakarta
3. Bought nice city car for me and my parents
4. Bought a flute and continue learning until I can mastered "Rivers Flow in You" song
5. Take mom and dad for Hajj
6. Live in Japan for at least 6 months
7. Work for government of ID
8. Visited Mongolia, Turkey, Iceland
9. A husband that kindly want to spend his life with me
10. Twin -amin
11. Social application to solve waste problem in Jakarta/Indonesia

Whoever you are who read this, I just hope you can give me your pray that I could always have a spirit to finish my life bucket list. I know it's not easy but it will be much more easier with support and pray from you.  This is my first time to be able finish my bucket list written in public. I must say it's not easy because I always closed enough to share my privacy to people, but this time, I want to get out from my comfort zone and just do it. Nothing ashamed of to share my dream with people. So let's do it! I will always try to write at least once per week here.

Semangat!

Chasing The Wind

I just came back from a two-days trip from Surabaya, East Java and it was an eye-opening experience. It just like a dream because for me, it's been such a long time I haven't meet and talk with many people with so many diverse experiences and stories to share. I was simply just being happy there. Almost two weeks after, they informed me that it was just a dream and I couldn't be there forever nor experience the same thing with them. Inside of my fragile heart, hope was already high and brought back down to reality is simply just hard. After all, life must go on and I need to find a new place that is fit with me the best.

I miss to think over ideas, breath over the wind, imagine what is the end of the road, meeting strangers, learn things that you never expected, and those random things that I need in my flat life.

My failures can not stop me to dream and try to chase and make it realized. Because a man is live because his dream, therefore having none of it is same with dead. And i am not yet.

Cross finger (again).

Mumbling

Hey, this is me to mumble and talk non-sense since I am back with my old self who has trust issue with my surrounding.

I am now staying at Singapore for couple weeks back and forth due to my work. Well, I love how I can feel different vibrant that I get everyday compare with Jakarta. And the best part is I can meet new people, eat new things everyday and try whatever I couldn't get in Jakarta.

Back to the point why I am writing here. I do not know I am doing something that I should not do. Like I am trying now to find a boyfriend. Like I am trying to listen to people that show interest on me. Like now I share my smile to people. Like yes, I am open myself to new people who want to get closer with me. But you know what? it does not feel like me. I feel terrible after that. I feel like I pushed myself to do something that I should not do.

I always has an issue with someone. If I opened myself, I wish that person can respect of my effort to do that as I do have trust issue. Meanwhile, almost they do not. They think I was easy. They think I am that easy to fall in love. And they think there is no problem with relationship, trust, and so whatever you say.

I do not know what I want to write here, I just feel want to share it with someone.

I just feel empty and angry for no reason.

I want to go far away from reality.

I always a person who do not stay in a same place for long time. but what am I doing here? I have been staying too long. I have to go and I need a break.

But if I come back, somehow I always forget that I want to escape. Somehow, I just give up and do nothing instead. And suddenly time has flied so fast already, without me notice.

So............. yeah.

Bahagia

Kamu tahu tidak apa artinya bahagia?

Jawaban setiap orang pasti berbeda-beda; ada yang jawab kekayaan, kesehatan, kemakmuran, cinta, keliling dunia, jadi istri raja...

Tapi tahu tidak? semua yang disebutkan diatas, bukannya malah membuat kita bahagia, akhirnya malah membuat kita (manusia) ingin lebih, lebih, dan akhirnya kembali jadi tidak bahagia.

Jadi kalian mengerti, tidak? Bahagia itu sederhana. Hanya dengan merasa cukup dengan yang kalian miliki, tidak pusing memikirkan dan membandingkan diri kita dengan orang lain, hal itu yang membuat kita bahagia.

Dan saya, berusaha untuk bahagia. Bahagia dan bersyukur dengan kondisi saya sekarang.

Tapi bukan berarti bahagia itu berhenti berusaha. Bahagia malah akan membuat kita semakin terpacu meraih mimpi. Karena bahagia membuat kita lebih hidup, dan setiap mahkluk hidup pasti punya hal yang ingin di raih.

Memang menjadi orang yang bahagia tidaklah mudah. Rumusnya susah dan prakteknya banyak godaan.

Semoga kebahagiaan yang saya punya sekarang terus ada. :)

Tawa, tangis, duka, lirih, dan berusaha (repeat) : sukses (?)

Ketika manusia bisa berharap dan berusaha mengejar mimpi, merangkai strategi dan formula, mengasah intuisi dan segalanya, hingga akhirnya semua tergantung oleh takdir dan apa kata "Tuhan".

Sejujurnya, saya merasa letih. Menghadapi realita dan goresan tangan bahwasanya saya adalah manusia dengan kasta biasa-biasa saja, haruslah berusaha hingga darah penghabisan untuk mendapatkan segala sesuatu, itupun belum tentu akhirnya mendapatkan yang diinginkan.

Saya berusaha mangkir. saya berusaha 'lupa'. Jauh saya pergi dan lama, lupakan kenyataan dan berandai-andai di dunia masa kecil. Ya, saya baru saja kembali dari liburan (yang seharusnya sih tidak saya ambil), dari Jepang. Jepang adalah salah satu negara yang saya impi-impikan untuk dikunjungi sedari kecil. Sayangnya, segala keputusan terkait liburan ini saya rencanakan dengan gegabah. Hingga akhir detik menginjakkan kaki di sana, masih banyak hal yang ingin saya lakukan dan belum terpenuhi.

Minggu ke dua saya di Jepang, saya dihempaskan kembali kenyataan, bahwa mimpi masih jauh dari realita. Bahwa usaha saya selama ini sia-sia. Rasanya sakit, sekali. Hari itu saya menangis sekuat hati, mengeluarkan rasa sesak di dada, juga sakitnya jatuh dari awang-awang mimpi.

Tapi apa daya, saya tidak bisa menangis terus menerus. Masih banyak orang di luar sana yang nasibnya lebih malang ketimbang saya namun masih mampu berdiri kuat menghadapi hari esok. Sedangkan saya, dengan keadaan yang masih bisa dibilang beruntung, menangisi hal yang mungkin memang bukan takdir saya, bukan rezeki saya.

Yang saya tahu, saya tidak boleh menyerah. Saya boleh menangis (sekali-sekali) tapi tidak boleh menyerah mencari jalan meraih mimpi dan menjadikannya kenyataan.

Yang saya tahu, hidup saya memang tidaklah mudah seperti orang-orang yang sudah terlahir kaya dari awal. Saya memang diharuskan berusaha lebih.

Berusaha dan pantang menyerah, sampai 'Tuhan' mengakuinya.

Alhamdulillah.