Start it over and I can do it!

Hey, it's me! It's been a while since last time, I tried couple times to logged in but end up failed because this blog is linked to my hotmail account which was created a century ago, where I could not connect to the email due to forgettable passport and unfriendly access to connect the account. Despite the hardships, I still able to make it until this far: I can write here again!

Well. A lot of things I would like to share here after my journey from Surabaya. I am still trying to find my happiness, but it seems that I enjoy my place a lot more now- which is the thing I am afraid the most. I have a great friend here, who able to listen my troubles where my best friend could not understand. At least we suffer the same issues, which is why we can connect so well. I am not really that extra mile employee, because I know my passion is not really there anymore. I lose my respect to someone I used to respect before because at the end, that person is not that perfect anyway. Looking in a nutshell, everything is so fragile now. I look happy but inside I am still blank. I always questioning what should I do and why I always waste my time by sleeping and closing my eyes. Doing things that I knew from early wasn't meant for me. Laughing over the wound that I made myself.

I still do not have anything. No one beside me, nothing left in my bank account, not much experience. And when I looked back to that person whom I adore so much long long ago, he now has a beautiful wife and child, just back from his master with bucket of experiences that he could share. Where I still have nothing. He already ran extra miles in his life. I know I should stop compare my life with anybody's and try to work my ass on it, but still... with exposure from social media I could not stop those informations coming into my life. At the end, it's normal to compare it with yours.x

Still many years to come to thick my bucket list. It's near end of 2017. Let's do something!

This is my bucket list and I promise to finish it before my 30yrs end (amin!)

1. Master degree of Economics and Finance in USA/Germany/NZ/Canada
2. Bought a house in Jakarta
3. Bought nice city car for me and my parents
4. Bought a flute and continue learning until I can mastered "Rivers Flow in You" song
5. Take mom and dad for Hajj
6. Live in Japan for at least 6 months
7. Work for government of ID
8. Visited Mongolia, Turkey, Iceland
9. A husband that kindly want to spend his life with me
10. Twin -amin
11. Social application to solve waste problem in Jakarta/Indonesia

Whoever you are who read this, I just hope you can give me your pray that I could always have a spirit to finish my life bucket list. I know it's not easy but it will be much more easier with support and pray from you.  This is my first time to be able finish my bucket list written in public. I must say it's not easy because I always closed enough to share my privacy to people, but this time, I want to get out from my comfort zone and just do it. Nothing ashamed of to share my dream with people. So let's do it! I will always try to write at least once per week here.

Semangat!

Chasing The Wind

I just came back from a two-days trip from Surabaya, East Java and it was an eye-opening experience. It just like a dream because for me, it's been such a long time I haven't meet and talk with many people with so many diverse experiences and stories to share. I was simply just being happy there. Almost two weeks after, they informed me that it was just a dream and I couldn't be there forever nor experience the same thing with them. Inside of my fragile heart, hope was already high and brought back down to reality is simply just hard. After all, life must go on and I need to find a new place that is fit with me the best.

I miss to think over ideas, breath over the wind, imagine what is the end of the road, meeting strangers, learn things that you never expected, and those random things that I need in my flat life.

My failures can not stop me to dream and try to chase and make it realized. Because a man is live because his dream, therefore having none of it is same with dead. And i am not yet.

Cross finger (again).

Mumbling

Hey, this is me to mumble and talk non-sense since I am back with my old self who has trust issue with my surrounding.

I am now staying at Singapore for couple weeks back and forth due to my work. Well, I love how I can feel different vibrant that I get everyday compare with Jakarta. And the best part is I can meet new people, eat new things everyday and try whatever I couldn't get in Jakarta.

Back to the point why I am writing here. I do not know I am doing something that I should not do. Like I am trying now to find a boyfriend. Like I am trying to listen to people that show interest on me. Like now I share my smile to people. Like yes, I am open myself to new people who want to get closer with me. But you know what? it does not feel like me. I feel terrible after that. I feel like I pushed myself to do something that I should not do.

I always has an issue with someone. If I opened myself, I wish that person can respect of my effort to do that as I do have trust issue. Meanwhile, almost they do not. They think I was easy. They think I am that easy to fall in love. And they think there is no problem with relationship, trust, and so whatever you say.

I do not know what I want to write here, I just feel want to share it with someone.

I just feel empty and angry for no reason.

I want to go far away from reality.

I always a person who do not stay in a same place for long time. but what am I doing here? I have been staying too long. I have to go and I need a break.

But if I come back, somehow I always forget that I want to escape. Somehow, I just give up and do nothing instead. And suddenly time has flied so fast already, without me notice.

So............. yeah.

Bahagia

Kamu tahu tidak apa artinya bahagia?

Jawaban setiap orang pasti berbeda-beda; ada yang jawab kekayaan, kesehatan, kemakmuran, cinta, keliling dunia, jadi istri raja...

Tapi tahu tidak? semua yang disebutkan diatas, bukannya malah membuat kita bahagia, akhirnya malah membuat kita (manusia) ingin lebih, lebih, dan akhirnya kembali jadi tidak bahagia.

Jadi kalian mengerti, tidak? Bahagia itu sederhana. Hanya dengan merasa cukup dengan yang kalian miliki, tidak pusing memikirkan dan membandingkan diri kita dengan orang lain, hal itu yang membuat kita bahagia.

Dan saya, berusaha untuk bahagia. Bahagia dan bersyukur dengan kondisi saya sekarang.

Tapi bukan berarti bahagia itu berhenti berusaha. Bahagia malah akan membuat kita semakin terpacu meraih mimpi. Karena bahagia membuat kita lebih hidup, dan setiap mahkluk hidup pasti punya hal yang ingin di raih.

Memang menjadi orang yang bahagia tidaklah mudah. Rumusnya susah dan prakteknya banyak godaan.

Semoga kebahagiaan yang saya punya sekarang terus ada. :)

Tawa, tangis, duka, lirih, dan berusaha (repeat) : sukses (?)

Ketika manusia bisa berharap dan berusaha mengejar mimpi, merangkai strategi dan formula, mengasah intuisi dan segalanya, hingga akhirnya semua tergantung oleh takdir dan apa kata "Tuhan".

Sejujurnya, saya merasa letih. Menghadapi realita dan goresan tangan bahwasanya saya adalah manusia dengan kasta biasa-biasa saja, haruslah berusaha hingga darah penghabisan untuk mendapatkan segala sesuatu, itupun belum tentu akhirnya mendapatkan yang diinginkan.

Saya berusaha mangkir. saya berusaha 'lupa'. Jauh saya pergi dan lama, lupakan kenyataan dan berandai-andai di dunia masa kecil. Ya, saya baru saja kembali dari liburan (yang seharusnya sih tidak saya ambil), dari Jepang. Jepang adalah salah satu negara yang saya impi-impikan untuk dikunjungi sedari kecil. Sayangnya, segala keputusan terkait liburan ini saya rencanakan dengan gegabah. Hingga akhir detik menginjakkan kaki di sana, masih banyak hal yang ingin saya lakukan dan belum terpenuhi.

Minggu ke dua saya di Jepang, saya dihempaskan kembali kenyataan, bahwa mimpi masih jauh dari realita. Bahwa usaha saya selama ini sia-sia. Rasanya sakit, sekali. Hari itu saya menangis sekuat hati, mengeluarkan rasa sesak di dada, juga sakitnya jatuh dari awang-awang mimpi.

Tapi apa daya, saya tidak bisa menangis terus menerus. Masih banyak orang di luar sana yang nasibnya lebih malang ketimbang saya namun masih mampu berdiri kuat menghadapi hari esok. Sedangkan saya, dengan keadaan yang masih bisa dibilang beruntung, menangisi hal yang mungkin memang bukan takdir saya, bukan rezeki saya.

Yang saya tahu, saya tidak boleh menyerah. Saya boleh menangis (sekali-sekali) tapi tidak boleh menyerah mencari jalan meraih mimpi dan menjadikannya kenyataan.

Yang saya tahu, hidup saya memang tidaklah mudah seperti orang-orang yang sudah terlahir kaya dari awal. Saya memang diharuskan berusaha lebih.

Berusaha dan pantang menyerah, sampai 'Tuhan' mengakuinya.

Alhamdulillah.