(soon) 28

Within three months, I'm going to turn into 28 y.o.! Time went so fast, I feel just like a yesterday when I started my first job and wondering one of my colleague who was 28 years old but still single. And now I am exactly at her position. Look at what karma does to you and your dirty mind.

I see many of my friends have already start their life, many of them had married, had children, had a good position in reputable companies, many of them working as special staff of ministry, or working outside of Indonesia. Yet, I am just a mediocre staff at a just so-so company. Still live with my parents, which apparently building a very toxic relationship and divorce would never be their options even though that is the only answer to stop all of this serendipity. Yet to focus on myself, focus on how to meet someone's good enough by becoming someone who has great achievements or mindset, I am busy minding with my family affairs and financials so do not expect me to settling anytime soon. Even within three months, that will be a miracle happens.

But you know, I will not lie sometimes I am dreaming to build my own dream house. Living in my kitchen baking some good stuffs. Working my private business and collaboration with my friends. Having someone sleep over. Or doing some youtube content freely. Or move to other country and live independently, far away from my family. I just want to live in peace.

Please.

BTS

Today is public holiday in Indonesia (and most of country in the world) to celebrate eid-adha. But this year is a little bit different because of Corona is still lingering around us, we have options to pray at mosque with social distancing and wearing mask or pray at home. I chose the latter one meanwhile mom and my brother went this morning to the mosque near my home. I did not sacrifice a cow/goat this year, not because I do not have money but since became a vegetarian, I am still learning of how adjusting it to my religion for eid-adha. Anyone could recommend me a paper or a person to discuss in-depth about this?

Anyway.. the number of people get infected in Indonesia keeps increasing day by day. Me personally do not believe and grow insecurity to go outside. I miss hug and socialize with friends and stranger but to do that kind of things now is difficult. I should have done that more in the past... especially going out to the bar, party, etc. We could not do that anymore, there are some extends we have to have in place to make sure our health is the utmost priority. Well, that's for me, I dont know if other people will do the same.

To kill time spending at home and boredom, I hooked into some K-Pop stuffs thanks to my best friend. The boyband name is BTS, they are quite phenomenal. Today is my second month became an ARMY, like everyday I could spend around 8 hours to dig dive about them. And at this point I think I can stop researching haha now I have to focus for the month-end closing. So many works to do.

Good thing is BTS shared a lot of positive attitudes and quotes. They pictured hard-working and talent can lead someone live to. after watched their documentary, now I open my laptop and starting to reply the email... that I hold since last week.

You know, working from home has some disadvantages, one of them is depression because of 24/7 working hours you might have if you could not control yourself.

Ok I have to stop. Bye

Corona Virus

Hello. I am writing to my future self just in case me and my family survive from this virus outbreak. Never in million years that I imagine myself in historical pandemic situation which impacted worldwide, economically and physically. It's not only happened in one country, but spread so vastly to one country and another, so as per today, 1,3Mio people confirmed positive having the virus, 74K people dead meanwhile only 284K people recovered. In Indonesia, the government just take this issue seriously starting on beginning of Mar, which was too late considering that Wuhan, China-- where this virus coming from already stated the outbreak from the beginning of January. No one take this seriously until people see how fast the virus moving due to globalization, where people will easily move to one country and another, reflecting how mobile people nowadays.

My sister just got married last December. She married her senior doctor in the hospital she were working at. I have close family which struggling to cure everyone who have any COVID-19 symptoms in suburb sumatera area. Which are very concerning since Indonesia's government is really slow taking actions, death toll are rising everyday yet not transparent number informed to the citizen. They smoothing the number so it looks like they taking care the situation under control, but nope. We notice and know something is fishy.

So that's why, everyone is staying at home as much as they can. I have been working from home for almost 4 weeks. Thank god that my company understand enough the situation and prevent any risk as much as they could. We were encouraged to work from home and avoid any social interactions from people outside to reduce virus spread and possibility of you being a carrier. We will stand this together until we find the vaccine-- or the cure.

But now, economics is in the bear. Red is the color for every market. Currency spikes everyday, dollar could eat you alive. It's scary.

I just really hope this could be ended soon. I cannot stand to stay inside for any longer... really missing travelling and socializing very much.

So take care and hope the best for the outcome.

Sebentar lagi liburan!

Sudah menjadi kebiasaan selama dua tahun terakhir, setiap akhir tahun aku pasti akan ke Bali untuk berlibur. Bilangnya ke Mama dan Papa sih untuk menjernihkan pikiran, karena aku lebih banyak pergi di Ubud ketimbang di Seetminyak atau Canggu. Selama aku di Bali, biasanya aktifitas yang aku lakukan kalau nggak ngopi, jalan-jalan santai, berenang, diving, atau yoga. Dan sudah dua kali berturut-turut juga aku selalu pergi dengan sahabatku yang ketemunya cuma setahun dua kali. Tahun pertama kita cuma berdua, tahun kedua kemarin dia turut serta bawa pacarnya, dan tahun ini kebetulan kita pergi dengan rombongan baru.

Tahun ini kita pergi berbarengan dengan Ubud Writer Festival, dilanjutkan dengan memesan meja di untuk makan malam mewah sambil menikmati wine nikmat dari Chef ternama. Terus rombongannya total jadi enam orang, makin lama jadi semakin ramai. Yang membuat aku semakin semangat, karena berbarengan dengan UWRF, aku jadi nggak sabar untuk belajar dan kenalan dengan orang baru-- sambil setelahnya istirahat dan menikmati tenangnya Ubud.

Walaupun setelah beberapa hari yang lalu aku baru saja tertimpa musibah-- nabrak mobil orang dan urusan asuransi yang belum kelar. Untunglah punya Mama yang pengertian, yang tetap ngizinin aku pergi terlepas dari biaya yang begitu banyak keluar di bulan ini. Liburan ini beneran aku tunggu-tunggu karena bulan Oktober di kantor itu berat dan stressful banget, jadinya ini epitome untuk kesehatan pikiranku.

Jadi, sampai bertemu minggu depan. Semoga ada cerita menarik yang bisa aku tulis disini.

Adios~

Meracau.

Oh begini ya rasanya mempunyai tanggung jawab dalam keterbatasan.

Ada perasaan yang setiap malam menghantuimu. Ada keinginan yang terkungkung. Seperti mengakui bahwa kini aku menyerah.

Aku bukan orang yang berlimpah harta, teman, dan waktu. Segalanya cukup, segalanya pas.
Namun akhir-akhir ini demi memuaskan seseorang, kupaksa keterbatasanku lebih dari biasanya. Demi kebahagiaannya, kukorbankan mimpi-mimpiku.

Yang aku tahu, saat itu tujuanku hanya untuk melihat senyum seseorang merekah. Mimpinya menjadi nyata. Karena aku yakin aku bisa lebih dari aku yang saat ini.

Tapi kadang rencana dan kenyataan berkata lain.

Lagi, aku terjebak dalam keputusan yang salah.

Sehingga kini aku harus menyerah. Harus rela dan berbohong menutupi keadaan.

Ingin rasanya aku menangis. Tapi kepada siapa? dan untuk apa?
Ingin rasanya aku pergi. Lelah itu sudah sampai ke kerongkongan.

Umurku sebentar lagi akan menginjak amgka 26. Sudah lewat masa midlife crisis yang digaung-gaungkan sebagai titik terberat hidup sebelum dewasa penuh. Nyatanya, hidupku masih sama-sama saja, berkisaran di lingkaran dengan radius yang sama. Terkadang untuk mengisi rutinitas yang bosan, aku melarikan diri melakukan hal-hal ringan yang membuatku senang dan sejenak melupakan tuntutan hidup. Contohnya seperti ikut kegiatan volunteering, belajar bahasa isyarat, atau ikut seminar apapun itu. Yang sesedikit mungkin melibatkan banyak biaya karena uang pun aku tidak punya terlalu banyak karena sebagian besar aku sisihkan untuk menolong keluargaku mewujudkan mimpi kami.

Rasanya senang keluar dari rutinitas kantor, kemacetan jakarta, abu-abunya ibu kota dengan bertemu orang-orang yang penuh dengan ide, kreativitas, warna, dan tawa. Memang semuanya hanya sementara karena itu semua hanya pelarian semata. Aku masih punya tanggungan dan harapan, jadi tidak bisa mengejar mimpiku sebenarnya. Aku banyak takut untuk terbang lari mengambil keputusan dengan cepat karena begitu banyak risiko yang harus aku perhitungkan masuk sebelum mengiyakan. Aku sendiri masih bingung dengan diriku dan mau dibawa kemana hidupku. Tapi begitu menyesakkan ketika setiap hari, di meja makan, pertanyaan tentang "apa saja yang harus kamu lakukan dihidupmu" selalu dilontarkan dan ditanyakan.

Mimpiku tidak muluk-muluk, aku ingin keluargaku bahagia, hangat, dan penuh tawa. Baru sehabis itu aku bisa mencari kebahagiaanku sendiri. Akupun masih takut untuk menerima orang lain masuk ke dalam hidupku, karena aku terlalu banyak melihat tangis dan pengorbanan dalam sebuah rumah tangga. Bukannya tidak mau memulai hubungan, tapi rasa ketakutan dan keraguan itu lebih besar dari rasa butuh, sehingga kadang aku lebih memilih sendiri dan mampu bertahan tanpa bantuan dan uluran kasih sayang orang lain.

Walaupun begitu, aku tetap berusaha mengobati semua luka dan memerangi ketakutan ini. Hanya waktunya belum mempertemukanku dengan orang yang tepat. Yang aku mau dan pinta dari Tuhan dan keluargaku, tolong tunggu aku... jangan paksa aku... doakan kebahagiaan untukku. Semua tuntutan kalian hanya membuatku semakin terluka...

Coming back

Hi.

Recently I was shocked and triggered by two instastories posting from Maudy Ayunda.
She just announced her acceptance to two most prestigious university in US and hoped everyone's blessing while she juggling with hard beautiful decisions to be made in the middle of her mountainous activity doing concert, ambassador, a model, being healthy and good lover. What an amazing life to have. A good reminder for me in that morning to do more extra miles. I do much lesser than her, hiding behind my insecurities and family condition, talking about how busy I am everyday working in the office and feel so tired after worked. But in the same time, Maudy can do much more than us, yes with her condition that much more have privileges but still she worked it out and made her steps came true. Meanwhile, me just give up and do nothing.

Thanks for her. I am trying again to move forward grasp my dream.

Bismillah.

Happy New Year, 2019

Dear folks, happy new year 2019! *phew pheww* I am still alive, single, and happy!

Nothing is really fun happened after I moved to the new office (yes, starting to complain again), just back to boring and normal life but it was healthier mentally and physically for me as I live back with my parents and have better relationship in office with my new colleagues, which I did not get any more in the old office after what had happened between me and my boss. But overall, I did some throwbacks and learned to move on. In early Dec 18, I visited the old office as I need to meet my doctor in Siloam to get the last shot for my HPV. I managed to meet le boss and gave him some updates of me. Personally, it will be my last visit to them as I really want to move on and forget the past. By end of the year, I also spent quite a few days in Ubud and learned to let go things. I managed to survive the quarter-life crisis gracefully and learned that sometimes (and most of the time) life will not follow your plan therefore I need to be more patient and acceptance as well as doing more way harder than before to achieve all the goals.

Moving forward, I decided to focus more on my health, financial independence, and family in 2019. Even though I will continue travelling overseas in this year, I still need to manage financially-able to save and finally purchase my own car by end of this year (1) as well as engaged with bank to give me loan for credit housing (2). You know, adulthood, never less about money and money. Then, I am going to pursue my master degree (3) seriously this year. I do not see any significant obstacles to prepare my self for this, it just me being coward and make many excuses while time goes by. Meanwhile, I have purchased airfares to India, Labuan Bajo, and Amed for this year trip and planning to do short getaway to Bagan and Germany for business trips. For relationships (yes, it is in my resolution)I made an amend to myself to be more open to new people and get flirty a little bit more. As I understand that people do not really like difficult people like me, so yeah, why do not we play around and try a little this year?

All in one, I must say I could not wait to live on my 2019 more greater than 2018. With many faces, relationships, and changes, looking forward to cheers it out of my lungs!

158 of 365

Bonjour! Quick update from my life piece. This month will be my last month working in current company. Finally I found a better place nearby my house to continue my learning curve as corporate finance. It will not have a big jump in career as I will have the same position within Germany company as well, the good side that take into consideration is the location and the environment.

Yes, the company environment of my current one is not that good as it used to. Good timing that this chance came at the right time with enough amount of luck that I could nailed the interview and all the stages.

Resignation letter has been approved and counting days to my last day; it will be 25th June.
This is a big step for me, that I could step out from my comfort zone. It's been a roller coaster working in my current company.

But life should moving on otherwise we will be left out.

Can't wait to reach the day and take a lot of good pictures with people I adored the most for these past 3 and half years. So hard to say goodbye that's why I just told them recently. Most of them are shock and sad but I was relieved they are also happy for me.

Will share it later for me to remember as well.

Keep in touch, B.

7 of 365

Contemplation. The first one in 2018.

I was playing around lately with my friends. I knew it's considered already late for my age to start clubbing, drinking, 'playing', but as long as it's for learning, i guess it's OK, right?. I know my self in this particular topic will be good enough to handle the invitation of unimaginable things you can imagine at some place people like to side away. Sorry it's hard for you to understand, but my point is I was trying to do some bad stuffs lately. And I am good and safe.

Loud music, people dancing uncontrollable, desires, alcohol, cigarettes, and things you know a lot from movies are there for real. I just know that. Good things I always with good people around me so I just there for see and learn. People can be so unintentionally brutally come into your life just because a sip of gin and tonic. And a bottle of wine could be your a-night-friend since it could overcome your stress and sadness. But at the end when you become sober, it will back to you eventually.

Drama in life is never my things. I do hate people whom create drama in their own life. As growing old, you should becomes mature and able to take responsibility of your own act; despite it's right or wrong. You choose your peers, you filter the information you wanted to absorb and believe. Therefore, consequences will always be there. Seeing people dancing and crying under alcohol control, blaming the liquid effect later on is never a good scene for me to watch. Disappointment and lost respect are.

Well, those places are never belong to the real me so I better to stop coming over. To many dramas that I cant handle is no good for my health.

Start it over and I can do it!

Hey, it's me! It's been a while since last time, I tried couple times to logged in but end up failed because this blog is linked to my hotmail account which was created a century ago, where I could not connect to the email due to forgettable passport and unfriendly access to connect the account. Despite the hardships, I still able to make it until this far: I can write here again!

Well. A lot of things I would like to share here after my journey from Surabaya. I am still trying to find my happiness, but it seems that I enjoy my place a lot more now- which is the thing I am afraid the most. I have a great friend here, who able to listen my troubles where my best friend could not understand. At least we suffer the same issues, which is why we can connect so well. I am not really that extra mile employee, because I know my passion is not really there anymore. I lose my respect to someone I used to respect before because at the end, that person is not that perfect anyway. Looking in a nutshell, everything is so fragile now. I look happy but inside I am still blank. I always questioning what should I do and why I always waste my time by sleeping and closing my eyes. Doing things that I knew from early wasn't meant for me. Laughing over the wound that I made myself.

I still do not have anything. No one beside me, nothing left in my bank account, not much experience. And when I looked back to that person whom I adore so much long long ago, he now has a beautiful wife and child, just back from his master with bucket of experiences that he could share. Where I still have nothing. He already ran extra miles in his life. I know I should stop compare my life with anybody's and try to work my ass on it, but still... with exposure from social media I could not stop those informations coming into my life. At the end, it's normal to compare it with yours.x

Still many years to come to thick my bucket list. It's near end of 2017. Let's do something!

This is my bucket list and I promise to finish it before my 30yrs end (amin!)

1. Master degree of Economics and Finance in USA/Germany/NZ/Canada
2. Bought a house in Jakarta
3. Bought nice city car for me and my parents
4. Bought a flute and continue learning until I can mastered "Rivers Flow in You" song
5. Take mom and dad for Hajj
6. Live in Japan for at least 6 months
7. Work for government of ID
8. Visited Mongolia, Turkey, Iceland
9. A husband that kindly want to spend his life with me
10. Twin -amin
11. Social application to solve waste problem in Jakarta/Indonesia

Whoever you are who read this, I just hope you can give me your pray that I could always have a spirit to finish my life bucket list. I know it's not easy but it will be much more easier with support and pray from you.  This is my first time to be able finish my bucket list written in public. I must say it's not easy because I always closed enough to share my privacy to people, but this time, I want to get out from my comfort zone and just do it. Nothing ashamed of to share my dream with people. So let's do it! I will always try to write at least once per week here.

Semangat!

Chasing The Wind

I just came back from a two-days trip from Surabaya, East Java and it was an eye-opening experience. It just like a dream because for me, it's been such a long time I haven't meet and talk with many people with so many diverse experiences and stories to share. I was simply just being happy there. Almost two weeks after, they informed me that it was just a dream and I couldn't be there forever nor experience the same thing with them. Inside of my fragile heart, hope was already high and brought back down to reality is simply just hard. After all, life must go on and I need to find a new place that is fit with me the best.

I miss to think over ideas, breath over the wind, imagine what is the end of the road, meeting strangers, learn things that you never expected, and those random things that I need in my flat life.

My failures can not stop me to dream and try to chase and make it realized. Because a man is live because his dream, therefore having none of it is same with dead. And i am not yet.

Cross finger (again).