I am a woman.

OI think I reach my point where whenever I pass by, everyone will get my charm (?). I mean, I am quiet attractive lately. Yes a little narcissist but that is real! I am enjoy this current situation, while I am trying to open myself and trying to see possibilities where I can find someone who match with my egoistic self.

In the past, I see people in relationship is stupid human who got fooled by something called love, the human made phrasw which could make everything is right, eventhough it should not be called right. Nothing changes a lot in the present for me. I am still looking a relationship a terrible way to call off, but human nature still inside me. I am lurking for attention or care by someone lately. So I thought I was crazy, lack of activities, etc. I am deny it.

Time is ticking. But I wont make my self under pressure bcs of it since I want to enjoy my freedom and my time. I am still waiting and searching the one that really could fulfill my desire of what a partner of life is. Not only temporary lover or lust filled but the one whom could be my partner, my friend, lover, and listener for my entire life.

Let me being an or called as naive. I am a woman.

Sooner or later.

It's been March and will reach end of it soon.

While time goes by, I am doing my job here, looking of any possibility, risk, and opportunity for my company to hold and grow in Indonesia. Or instead should I mention, just helping my manager doing their analysis? whatever it is, practically I am enjoying my time here and learning a lot from people here.

Working as an ordinary worker means having a space to think and spend time more with yourself. I would like to say that I have more quality time with family and myself, comparing when I was a consultant back then. I could see my Mom before and after going to work. I could say 'good night' to my little sister and 'have a nice day in school' to her before I leave home. I can spend two hours running at my cardio and watching my favourite Korean drama, stalking their forum, and wishing my favourite couple would have real relationship. I could enjoy the latest movie in cinema every Friday night with my best friend and enjoy cup of coffee in coffee shop at the corner near my home. I never have traffic jam in these 4 months since I only take train and company's car to reach the office building. To sum up, my regularly life sounds normal and nice.

But well, if you know me well, what I have told you above are not what I expect to happen in earlier stage of my career. Instead, there are what my parents expect towards me. I rather say, I am just fine that happy for this condition. I am not saying that I will quit from my current job right now (I have not think about it since my current responsibility still challenging for me), I just think that they are left space to be working on.

And yes, when I struggle and chaos with my own mind, God always know how to make it works.

(sorry to late for inform you guys about my bff condition. She is right now in very good condition. She already left the hospital, she could talk and walk again, and she is now in recovery to her normal condition. When she fits to work, she definitely will going to work and reach her dreams again, soon.)

I was invited to visit my lecturer's house with my two bffs (yes, with the one whom struggle with the virus in her brain). My lecturer also had attacked by the same virus. She shared her inspiring stories, knowledges, and quotes. We also have a time to share our stories, and I shared the one I never shared before, my dreams, the real one. Since now I think I don't live a life that I wanted the most, I told them. My lecturer listened carefully and suggested me a good and strong opinion: I shall continue my master as soon as possible.

Yes. I finally found the one that share a same vision with me. And she is my own old lecturer. I never expected that day I would give a joy tears. I really happy to finally realize that I should run again to catch my old dream. At that day, me and my bffs took a promise, that we have to prepare to start our own dream. We agreed to spend every Saturday together to prepare the master degree.

Now I am not seeing my regular day as regular any more. Instead, I see the opportunity to study again. I could emphasize my time (that usually my auditor friends still in office checking line by line the differences that they get) to learn English, Math, macroeconomics, doing my research, everything.

I know it still a long way to go. But at least I know for sure it will happen, sooner or later. Since I already working on it. and the best is I am not alone, I, once again, reach my dream accompanied by my best friend. We can share our joy, hard time, and difficulties together.

and I hope whoever you are and whatever your dreams are, you could be optimist and reach the goal. sooner or later. God will always be with you :)

How-do-ya!

Good day, everyone! How's life so far?

Mine is full of ups and downs. But if I have to looked back, it won't be so much for bragging comparing with my friends' accomplishment. Well yeah, I know the recipe to make live more happily is not to compare yours with anybody. And with that ingredients, I would like to say that mine nowadays is soooo great.

I have good colleagues in my company, great mentors, great role manager to be looked upon, and great opportunities to develop myself. I have to admit that myself is not that great in finance related stuff, since my real soul is in artsy and consulting. My brave ideas don't have source to put it on, since I have to stay calm in my company right now, quietly do the repetitive job and staff thingy that should align with what you have ordered. But yeah, I will try to live like this a little more, because I want to see if these things are fit with me or not.

--

Yesterday I was confused. My best friend still lay upon her bed in hospital. I was mad upon my parents for nothing. And I don't have any gank, so yes this loneliness feeling came straightforward heading to me yesterday. It was so painful if I tried to remember. Knowing that no one need you, even your most beloved one. But hey, that just me being sentimental. Now I have gained my power and I am trying to fix this. I do not know what it will be feels like later after I moved out and live by myself. I am trying to solve this by join some yoga club, youth community, and forum. Reaching the social power.

and that's that the summary for this whole time. hope in the future I will inform you a very good news one ya. See you and deliver thousand kissess :*

I wonder why

Some said I am a complex woman, some said I am a cold-hearted one. I agree with that label but particularly only for love matter. Since I do not want to deeply involved with those kind of things just because it will waste my time. Too much drama and unimportant things will happen. Also hurt feeling that could not be avoided in love relationship.

With those reasons, I wonder why should not me also avoiding to have a relationship with friends? like best friends? since they also human and need my thought and care, as well as boyfriend. I do not why but I just realize this side of perspective right now.

I do not how often I told my stories about how harsh and tough my struggle to keep understand in my friendship. I remember sometimes I could shed my tears just because my friends forget to asked me out with them (back then I way too over sensitive, since I was lonely in boarding room and felt cornered). I could spent many hours just to chit-chat with my friends, forgetting all materials for exam, just for having fun. Then I also forget that maybe in relationship with boy, you may be not to receive the pain every time, but also joy and happiness came along together. I forgot those things, I always put up my naive and coldness principle, that I hate male creature, their egoism and high pride. I am way too generalize Mars-kind. I feel so stupid.

One of the strongest reason that I believe is that I could not have a commitment, since I always get boring in short time for everything. But, hey! you know what? I have two best friends from junior high school until now (yes, 8 years straight) whom always support and listen to me, wherever and whatever they do. Somehow I wonder, is there anyone out there could be possibly way more understand and care of me more than my two best friends? if yes, then maybe I could spend years with him. I am not saying to live ever after, just being realistic.

I wonder how much time could lead changes to me. And you, could you please stay with me here to listen what I am doing tomorrow and after? thanks for visiting and happy new year!

2015, I am ready!

It's come again, the end of the year. Now it's for 2014.

The good and the bad already happened this year. Many things has been achieved but failures had come all the way around as well. It was ups and downs, laughs and tears, happiness and sadness. 2014 has been give me so many lesson learned to be someone more mature and better for 2015.

And this is the day where everything has to be wrapped up. I have to be ready (whatever the condition) to move on and set my self to reach another goals.

to whom everyone may read this, please help me to remember how important 2015 would be (since I sometimes forget the path I should lead onto). I may force myself to: focus in what I am doing right now, be professional, be more punctual, more confidence, and keep pursue my old dream.

well, I think next year would not give me a chance to think about love. since my resolutions in 2015 is clear of those kind of things and will be so mucch busy of achieve this and that. I hope my resolutions could be aligned with God's will (or God let my wish to be come true).

then without further due, let's welcome the upcoming year with a bright smile, hope, and spirit!
Happy New Year 2015! Let's make the list come true and be a successful person a year ahead! Wo-hoo!

Going back.

It just passed a half way of two months, but world has gone change rapidly: many things happened. there were good and bad times, there were happened to me and my circle. I lost my happiness and sense right now that apparently resulted from my unclear goal in life. I always mirrored people and easily got stressed all over things, that I never look down upon my self what am I really going to do and wanted the most.

Looks like need more self-time in the nearest future.

I Never Knew

I never knew that labeling would be so harsh like this. Because of it, people set high bar of yourself and make their expectation rise along with it. I never knew that people judge me that high until make me suffering like this. I wish I knew that before these happened.

I never knew that people could be so that sensitive, eventhough they are your closest friends. I thought that once you in friendship, you could share anything and talk about anything. I thought that friendship is about caring, understanding, without any feeling hurt.

I never knew that I am so that selfish and insensitive. I never knew that I am so egoist. I always thinking about myself and forget about how people’s feeling. I never thought that even your closest friend, they could get hurt as well. They have their own condition that need your understanding, caring, and they also need you to listen to their problems.

Because of my insensitiveness, egoism, and selfishness; many of my friends got hurt. But my pride always bound me to change and keep going with head up and mind think ‘I could live alone and strong without them. I do not need people who do not understand me’. But everything is wrong from the start.

Because, I never knew that I am not that strong. I never knew that there is a limit of me to hold things inside by myself. I never knew those things, before it happened.

If I could turn back the time, I would never have thought any of these things. If I were more open and more care about people, it would never happened. Now I know why people always left me.

People like me do not deserve to get happiness. I do not think I could maintain any relationship. Rather than make people hurt, it would be nice if I do not get involved any of them. The evil like me should stay quietly, and disappear. 

I never knew that it took me hard and had to make these decisions. But it will be good. For anyone and me.

New Beginning

What a month I have been through!

These 30 days (soon) will be hard to be remembered since I was so busy keep my feet running everyday to catch up many interview schedule and test that I got. Alhamdulillah, today I found the one that will be my future step as professional accountant.

Apart from the good news, the best part is I am not alone survive in this condition, there are some nice people who always support and give me information to keep strive and optimist. And when each of us left our unemployment title, we celebrated it and give around support to keep give our best shot for the next opportunity. In here I realized how precious friends could be in your life and how grateful you will because of their existence in every seconds your life. They cherish and giving joy for my black day and weekend during this month. I could not imagine what will happen if I do not meet them.

Yes, I will soon start my new journey. I know I never choose the easy path to live my life, and I never regret my decision. I should joy every moment later, because I won't regret it later when I already left and looked back on the past. I want to give my best and show them around what I really am. Ambition is one of my power to keep live until now.

And I will not stop my crazy plan in here. I am still writing my life and expect what will come in my unexpected life. You have to wonder what's next crazy things will show up here.

Ciao!

...

Saya tidak ingin berandai, karena Allah menghadirkan saya ke dalam keluarga ini pasti ada maksud dan alasannya. Terus hal tersebut berulang-ulang saya putar ketika saya sedang dalam kondisi sedih akibat kadang susah mendapatkan hal layaknya teman-teman biasa dapatkan. Sebagai anak pertama, sudah menjadi tanggung jawab saya untuk dapat melakukan segala hal dengan sempurna, agar nantinya bisa di contoh oleh adik-adikku. Kasih sayang kadang porsinya harus berkurang karena maklum bahwa adik-adik lebih membutuhkan. Segala hal harus dibagi dan sedari kecil saya harus belajar untuk mengalah dan tidak egois.

Di luar, saya menjadi anak yang sangat tangguh dan lebih dewasa dibandingkan anak seumuran. Saya berpikir jauh beberapa langkah di depan dari anak-anak biasanya karena kondisi keluarga. Saya selalu serius dan berusaha untuk melakukan segalanya sesempurna mungkin. Sehingga, teman-teman mendapatkan kesan akan saya yang keras dan ambisius. Tidak salah dan tidak apa, karena bila saya tidak begitu maka saya tidak akan menjadi diri saya yang sekarang, yang dapat menjadi kakak teladan untuk adik-adik saya. Betapapun kerasnya lingkungan diluar sana, tujuanku dan tanggung jawabku adalah membuat adik-adikku memiliki hidup dan pengalaman hidup jauh luar biasa lebih indah dan hebat daripada saya sekarang.

Tetapi terkadang, saya lelah terlalu keras berusaha. Ketika saya tahu ada orang-orang di luar sana yang bisa dengan mudah mendapatkan apa yang mereka inginkan, saya menjadi.... lelah. Banyak mimpi saya yang harus tertunda karena pengorbanan  yang harus saya lakukan, sehingga kadang pikiran seperti 'andaikan saya adalah dia' muncul dan melintas di benak.

Tapi kembali lagi, saya terus berpikir kenapa saya adalah saya dan dia adalah dia. Mungkin Allah menilai saya lebih pantas dan kuat untuk menjalani hidup seperti ini, bahwa saya memang diciptakan untuk meraih segala halnya dengan perjuangan dan lika-liku kehidupan, yang mana tidak dapat dinikmati hanya dengan uang. Dan lagi, ini semua juga untuk adik-adikku yang tercinta. Semoga tidak sia-sia.

Kamu

Selama ini tidak pernah ada kata 'kamu' dalam kamus hidupku. Setidaknya dulu pernah ada, dan kini 'ia' telah menghilang di telan kenyataan pahit bahwa ia memang berbeda dan perbedaannya mengharuskan ia cukup menjadi sebuah kenangan dalam hidupku. Ia yang dulu menjadi pedoman hidupku dan garis langkahku, menghipnotisku akan ketidaknyataannya, kini mengajarkanku arti kenyataan dan hidup yang sebenarnya. Bahwa hidupku adalah hidupku. Hidupnya adalah hidupnya. Garis takdir aku dan dia tidak akan pernah bertaut dan kami hanya akan saling berseberangan satu sama lain. Entah bagaimana aku merasa hari-hari yang kutakuti selama ini akan segera terjadi, melihat sikap dan kesenyapan dirinya, kini ia akan menjadi milik yang lain.

Namun aku belajar banyak selama ia meninggalkanku sendiri disini. Aku belajar untuk bangkit dan mandiri menjalani kerasnya hidup. Aku kini tahu bahwa aku bisa kuat dan tegar, tanpa ia disampingku dan menjadi panutanku. Kini aku belajar melihat masa depan tanpa harus memaksakan diri dan idealisme hidup yang tidak jelas akan kenyataannya. Walaupun aku masih ragu akan hal-hal tabu yang dulu aku pegang kuat-kuat sebagai prinsip hidup dan ketidaksamaan diri antara kami, tapi aku kini yakin, bahwa perubahan adalah langkah awal mencapai diri yang hakiki. Perubahan yang lebih baik akan membawaku mencapai 'kamu' yang baru dalam hidupku, dan mengenang 'ia' yang dulu selalu mengisi relung hatiku.

Sebentar lagi ia berulang tahun. Seperti biasa, aku hanya akan mengirimkan doa dari sudut ruangan ini, menengadahkan tangan dan berucap alunan doa, semoga ia yang baik hatinya, indah pekertinya, selalu senantiasa disisi Allah SWT.

Terima kasih.

S.E.

Halo dunia, apa kabar?

Tepat pada tanggal 20 Juni 2014, aku bahagia. karena apa?

karena aku merasakan kenikmatan atas apa yang aku perjuangkan selama ini, kenikmatan akan penghargaan, perjuangan, dan pencapaian yang dirasakan saat sidang karya akhir selama satu setengah jam di depan dosen-dosen penguji. karena aku merasakan kasih sayang dan kedekatan dengan teman-teman yang menungguku selesai sidang, juga mendapatkan perhatian dari mereka. karena aku akhirnya OFFICIAL lulus dari fakultas ekonomi UI tercinta, dengan membanggakan dan tepat waktu. karena akhirnya, perjuangan orangtuaku untuk menyekolahkanku hingga ke jenjang kuliah dan waktu yang diluangkan dosen pembimbingku, tidak sia-sia.

Alhamdulillah, Jum'at jam 10 pagi pada tanggal 20 Juni 2014, saya dinyatakan lulus.

Nadya Restu Mayestika S.E.

ALHAMDULILLAH

I know I shouldn't have to brag about this right now, but I'm so excited to get the news. I just got email from my professor that was told me to prepare my internship report defense because my writing is accepted to make me graduate this semester! I'm so happy!!

And one more email was about I have to go to Singapore this week because I got invited to attend interview meeting in Singapore by some of Japanese companies. Like what I am super duper happy tonight!

It was such a blessing. Because those email came after I prayed to Allah in my shalat, to calm me down and pasrah. But Allah just reward me with those surprises! Actually I really don't believe it, especially the Singapore thing because one week before I just got email that told me that I wasn't accepted haha but it such a relieve. alhamdulillah.

So this is it. My new life has just begun and I don't want to regret it again. I will make it these chances to be a golden chance for me. Wait for it!! :)