Happy New Year, 2019

Dear folks, happy new year 2019! *phew pheww* I am still alive, single, and happy!

Nothing is really fun happened after I moved to the new office (yes, starting to complain again), just back to boring and normal life but it was healthier mentally and physically for me as I live back with my parents and have better relationship in office with my new colleagues, which I did not get any more in the old office after what had happened between me and my boss. But overall, I did some throwbacks and learned to move on. In early Dec 18, I visited the old office as I need to meet my doctor in Siloam to get the last shot for my HPV. I managed to meet le boss and gave him some updates of me. Personally, it will be my last visit to them as I really want to move on and forget the past. By end of the year, I also spent quite a few days in Ubud and learned to let go things. I managed to survive the quarter-life crisis gracefully and learned that sometimes (and most of the time) life will not follow your plan therefore I need to be more patient and acceptance as well as doing more way harder than before to achieve all the goals.

Moving forward, I decided to focus more on my health, financial independence, and family in 2019. Even though I will continue travelling overseas in this year, I still need to manage financially-able to save and finally purchase my own car by end of this year (1) as well as engaged with bank to give me loan for credit housing (2). You know, adulthood, never less about money and money. Then, I am going to pursue my master degree (3) seriously this year. I do not see any significant obstacles to prepare my self for this, it just me being coward and make many excuses while time goes by. Meanwhile, I have purchased airfares to India, Labuan Bajo, and Amed for this year trip and planning to do short getaway to Bagan and Germany for business trips. For relationships (yes, it is in my resolution)I made an amend to myself to be more open to new people and get flirty a little bit more. As I understand that people do not really like difficult people like me, so yeah, why do not we play around and try a little this year?

All in one, I must say I could not wait to live on my 2019 more greater than 2018. With many faces, relationships, and changes, looking forward to cheers it out of my lungs!

158 of 365

Bonjour! Quick update from my life piece. This month will be my last month working in current company. Finally I found a better place nearby my house to continue my learning curve as corporate finance. It will not have a big jump in career as I will have the same position within Germany company as well, the good side that take into consideration is the location and the environment.

Yes, the company environment of my current one is not that good as it used to. Good timing that this chance came at the right time with enough amount of luck that I could nailed the interview and all the stages.

Resignation letter has been approved and counting days to my last day; it will be 25th June.
This is a big step for me, that I could step out from my comfort zone. It's been a roller coaster working in my current company.

But life should moving on otherwise we will be left out.

Can't wait to reach the day and take a lot of good pictures with people I adored the most for these past 3 and half years. So hard to say goodbye that's why I just told them recently. Most of them are shock and sad but I was relieved they are also happy for me.

Will share it later for me to remember as well.

Keep in touch, B.

7 of 365

Contemplation. The first one in 2018.

I was playing around lately with my friends. I knew it's considered already late for my age to start clubbing, drinking, 'playing', but as long as it's for learning, i guess it's OK, right?. I know my self in this particular topic will be good enough to handle the invitation of unimaginable things you can imagine at some place people like to side away. Sorry it's hard for you to understand, but my point is I was trying to do some bad stuffs lately. And I am good and safe.

Loud music, people dancing uncontrollable, desires, alcohol, cigarettes, and things you know a lot from movies are there for real. I just know that. Good things I always with good people around me so I just there for see and learn. People can be so unintentionally brutally come into your life just because a sip of gin and tonic. And a bottle of wine could be your a-night-friend since it could overcome your stress and sadness. But at the end when you become sober, it will back to you eventually.

Drama in life is never my things. I do hate people whom create drama in their own life. As growing old, you should becomes mature and able to take responsibility of your own act; despite it's right or wrong. You choose your peers, you filter the information you wanted to absorb and believe. Therefore, consequences will always be there. Seeing people dancing and crying under alcohol control, blaming the liquid effect later on is never a good scene for me to watch. Disappointment and lost respect are.

Well, those places are never belong to the real me so I better to stop coming over. To many dramas that I cant handle is no good for my health.

Start it over and I can do it!

Hey, it's me! It's been a while since last time, I tried couple times to logged in but end up failed because this blog is linked to my hotmail account which was created a century ago, where I could not connect to the email due to forgettable passport and unfriendly access to connect the account. Despite the hardships, I still able to make it until this far: I can write here again!

Well. A lot of things I would like to share here after my journey from Surabaya. I am still trying to find my happiness, but it seems that I enjoy my place a lot more now- which is the thing I am afraid the most. I have a great friend here, who able to listen my troubles where my best friend could not understand. At least we suffer the same issues, which is why we can connect so well. I am not really that extra mile employee, because I know my passion is not really there anymore. I lose my respect to someone I used to respect before because at the end, that person is not that perfect anyway. Looking in a nutshell, everything is so fragile now. I look happy but inside I am still blank. I always questioning what should I do and why I always waste my time by sleeping and closing my eyes. Doing things that I knew from early wasn't meant for me. Laughing over the wound that I made myself.

I still do not have anything. No one beside me, nothing left in my bank account, not much experience. And when I looked back to that person whom I adore so much long long ago, he now has a beautiful wife and child, just back from his master with bucket of experiences that he could share. Where I still have nothing. He already ran extra miles in his life. I know I should stop compare my life with anybody's and try to work my ass on it, but still... with exposure from social media I could not stop those informations coming into my life. At the end, it's normal to compare it with yours.x

Still many years to come to thick my bucket list. It's near end of 2017. Let's do something!

This is my bucket list and I promise to finish it before my 30yrs end (amin!)

1. Master degree of Economics and Finance in USA/Germany/NZ/Canada
2. Bought a house in Jakarta
3. Bought nice city car for me and my parents
4. Bought a flute and continue learning until I can mastered "Rivers Flow in You" song
5. Take mom and dad for Hajj
6. Live in Japan for at least 6 months
7. Work for government of ID
8. Visited Mongolia, Turkey, Iceland
9. A husband that kindly want to spend his life with me
10. Twin -amin
11. Social application to solve waste problem in Jakarta/Indonesia

Whoever you are who read this, I just hope you can give me your pray that I could always have a spirit to finish my life bucket list. I know it's not easy but it will be much more easier with support and pray from you.  This is my first time to be able finish my bucket list written in public. I must say it's not easy because I always closed enough to share my privacy to people, but this time, I want to get out from my comfort zone and just do it. Nothing ashamed of to share my dream with people. So let's do it! I will always try to write at least once per week here.

Semangat!

Chasing The Wind

I just came back from a two-days trip from Surabaya, East Java and it was an eye-opening experience. It just like a dream because for me, it's been such a long time I haven't meet and talk with many people with so many diverse experiences and stories to share. I was simply just being happy there. Almost two weeks after, they informed me that it was just a dream and I couldn't be there forever nor experience the same thing with them. Inside of my fragile heart, hope was already high and brought back down to reality is simply just hard. After all, life must go on and I need to find a new place that is fit with me the best.

I miss to think over ideas, breath over the wind, imagine what is the end of the road, meeting strangers, learn things that you never expected, and those random things that I need in my flat life.

My failures can not stop me to dream and try to chase and make it realized. Because a man is live because his dream, therefore having none of it is same with dead. And i am not yet.

Cross finger (again).

Mumbling

Hey, this is me to mumble and talk non-sense since I am back with my old self who has trust issue with my surrounding.

I am now staying at Singapore for couple weeks back and forth due to my work. Well, I love how I can feel different vibrant that I get everyday compare with Jakarta. And the best part is I can meet new people, eat new things everyday and try whatever I couldn't get in Jakarta.

Back to the point why I am writing here. I do not know I am doing something that I should not do. Like I am trying now to find a boyfriend. Like I am trying to listen to people that show interest on me. Like now I share my smile to people. Like yes, I am open myself to new people who want to get closer with me. But you know what? it does not feel like me. I feel terrible after that. I feel like I pushed myself to do something that I should not do.

I always has an issue with someone. If I opened myself, I wish that person can respect of my effort to do that as I do have trust issue. Meanwhile, almost they do not. They think I was easy. They think I am that easy to fall in love. And they think there is no problem with relationship, trust, and so whatever you say.

I do not know what I want to write here, I just feel want to share it with someone.

I just feel empty and angry for no reason.

I want to go far away from reality.

I always a person who do not stay in a same place for long time. but what am I doing here? I have been staying too long. I have to go and I need a break.

But if I come back, somehow I always forget that I want to escape. Somehow, I just give up and do nothing instead. And suddenly time has flied so fast already, without me notice.

So............. yeah.

Bahagia

Kamu tahu tidak apa artinya bahagia?

Jawaban setiap orang pasti berbeda-beda; ada yang jawab kekayaan, kesehatan, kemakmuran, cinta, keliling dunia, jadi istri raja...

Tapi tahu tidak? semua yang disebutkan diatas, bukannya malah membuat kita bahagia, akhirnya malah membuat kita (manusia) ingin lebih, lebih, dan akhirnya kembali jadi tidak bahagia.

Jadi kalian mengerti, tidak? Bahagia itu sederhana. Hanya dengan merasa cukup dengan yang kalian miliki, tidak pusing memikirkan dan membandingkan diri kita dengan orang lain, hal itu yang membuat kita bahagia.

Dan saya, berusaha untuk bahagia. Bahagia dan bersyukur dengan kondisi saya sekarang.

Tapi bukan berarti bahagia itu berhenti berusaha. Bahagia malah akan membuat kita semakin terpacu meraih mimpi. Karena bahagia membuat kita lebih hidup, dan setiap mahkluk hidup pasti punya hal yang ingin di raih.

Memang menjadi orang yang bahagia tidaklah mudah. Rumusnya susah dan prakteknya banyak godaan.

Semoga kebahagiaan yang saya punya sekarang terus ada. :)

Tawa, tangis, duka, lirih, dan berusaha (repeat) : sukses (?)

Ketika manusia bisa berharap dan berusaha mengejar mimpi, merangkai strategi dan formula, mengasah intuisi dan segalanya, hingga akhirnya semua tergantung oleh takdir dan apa kata "Tuhan".

Sejujurnya, saya merasa letih. Menghadapi realita dan goresan tangan bahwasanya saya adalah manusia dengan kasta biasa-biasa saja, haruslah berusaha hingga darah penghabisan untuk mendapatkan segala sesuatu, itupun belum tentu akhirnya mendapatkan yang diinginkan.

Saya berusaha mangkir. saya berusaha 'lupa'. Jauh saya pergi dan lama, lupakan kenyataan dan berandai-andai di dunia masa kecil. Ya, saya baru saja kembali dari liburan (yang seharusnya sih tidak saya ambil), dari Jepang. Jepang adalah salah satu negara yang saya impi-impikan untuk dikunjungi sedari kecil. Sayangnya, segala keputusan terkait liburan ini saya rencanakan dengan gegabah. Hingga akhir detik menginjakkan kaki di sana, masih banyak hal yang ingin saya lakukan dan belum terpenuhi.

Minggu ke dua saya di Jepang, saya dihempaskan kembali kenyataan, bahwa mimpi masih jauh dari realita. Bahwa usaha saya selama ini sia-sia. Rasanya sakit, sekali. Hari itu saya menangis sekuat hati, mengeluarkan rasa sesak di dada, juga sakitnya jatuh dari awang-awang mimpi.

Tapi apa daya, saya tidak bisa menangis terus menerus. Masih banyak orang di luar sana yang nasibnya lebih malang ketimbang saya namun masih mampu berdiri kuat menghadapi hari esok. Sedangkan saya, dengan keadaan yang masih bisa dibilang beruntung, menangisi hal yang mungkin memang bukan takdir saya, bukan rezeki saya.

Yang saya tahu, saya tidak boleh menyerah. Saya boleh menangis (sekali-sekali) tapi tidak boleh menyerah mencari jalan meraih mimpi dan menjadikannya kenyataan.

Yang saya tahu, hidup saya memang tidaklah mudah seperti orang-orang yang sudah terlahir kaya dari awal. Saya memang diharuskan berusaha lebih.

Berusaha dan pantang menyerah, sampai 'Tuhan' mengakuinya.

Alhamdulillah.

Close yet so far

It's been quite a while I haven't write something. Not because I don't want to, it just because my time had been used for something else for anything else but for me. I kinda feel how is growing old mean. Back then, when I was a child, I was wondering how can my father did not have time to change his phone ringtone. His phone when it was ringing sound so old and boring. Now looking at me, that is my situation now. I do not change my ringtone, even not change my wallpaper phone for many years ago after high school graduation. I am wondering how could it be...

Is that me growing old? or is that me losing my purpose and joy of life?

I always tell myself to not give up and waste my seconds just doing nothing, but I ended up doing so.. that was so pathetic and giving me a knock down to myself until I become more despair that I have ever imagined. I am working my butt ass for nothing and feel so empty. I don't gain anything despite have to look at ego and pride of human everyday. I feel hopeless. And I am only twenty-two yet I give up after doing nothing. I am always complaining. I learn nothing. I am just doing repetition. I am young yet old inside. Used to be brave and smart now have to keep silent under political and ego of hierarchy yet pride of someone. Why I keep involve of things that I used to avoided?

I did once try to escape but things have failed. I have ran but always fell down. I am praying for happiness and dream that I used to have everyday. I just want to be free and happy. I want to see colors of world. I want to feel changes in front of my eyes. I want to keep running and sense new things everyday.... uncertain feelings and meet new people.. learn new things and accomplish something new... that's all. Close yet so far.

When it will be happened?

Akhirnya saya sadar.

Anda tahu, saya tidak pernah bisa benar-benar lepas bercerita kepada seseorang. Katakanlah, saya terlalu berhati-hati dalam bersikap atau terlalu negatif berspekulasi bahwa tidak orang yang benar-benar bisa saya percayai. Bahkan hal ini berlaku kepada orang terdekat sekalipun. Terkadang, yang saya butuhkan bila saya, akhirnya, dapat bercerita adalah dukungan moral. Bukan tawa palsu atau kritik.

Sudah lama tidak menulis sesuatu di blog ini. Semua hal berjalan dengan baik, pekerjaan dan hubungan sosial saya. Hanya saja ada sesuatu yang mengganjal di hati saya. Ada perasaan tidak nyaman yang saya bahkan tidak tahu bagaimana cara mengungkapkannya.

Hari ini saya pergi bekerja seperti biasa. Berangkat dengan commuter line setengah jam setelah berjalan kaki lima menit dari rumah, berdesak-desakan selama setengah jam dengan ribuan commuter dari Bekasi. Melintasi stasiun Manggarai yang berantakan, dan lagi berebutan dengan ratusan commuter yang mengejar kereta di rel seberang peron. Kacau. Tapi apa daya, yang saya bisa lakukan hanya menghirup udara lebih banyak dan menghembuskannya, mencari sedikit tambahan energi. Ini Jakarta, ucap saya di hati.

Setelah menunggu lima menit di peron enam, kereta yang akan membawa saya datang. Selalu kosong, selalu damai, selalu terasa nyaman karena melawan arus jutaan pekerja arah Sudirman sana. Hanya di saat ini, saya selalu bisa mengembalikan ketenangan dan berpikir bahwa ada baiknya kantor di lokasi sekarang. Setelah 15 menit perjalanan, saya kemudian mencari tiga orang asing yang berangkat ke arah sama menuju kantor, patungan biaya taksi, agar hemat. Melintasi jutaan mobil pekerja diramainya jalan tol Jorr. Biasanya saya akan turun langsung di depan kantor, masuk melintasi penjaga gedung, menyapa selamat pagi, berusaha bersikap baik dan tersenyum, menunggu lift turun dan naik membawa saya ke lantai dimana saya akan menghabisi hampir sembilan jam ke depan.

 

Ah. Apa saya harus bercerita apa yang saya lakukan biasanya selama sembilan jam tersebut?

 

Biasanya setelah saya menaruh tas di meja saya, menyapa rekan kerja seruangan. Memasang muka dingin ke bos di samping. Lalu mengambil biji kopi dan membawanya ke pantry untuk di ubah menjadi segelas kopi susu hangat.

 

Kembali ke meja, membuka email, cek jadwal meeting (dan mengecek apakah ada meeting super maha penting dengan atasan saya), mempersiapkan materi meeting, mengecek apakah ada laporan penting yang harus dikirimkan hari ini, melakukan pekerjaan detil, meeting sana-sini, masalah di sana-sini, dan akhirnya makan siang yang super cepat. Kembali bekerja dan repeat.

Repeat. And repeat.

 

Bagaimana? anda bosan? apalagi saya yang menjalani hidup ini.

Setelah sekian lama akhirnya saya menyadari bahwa saya tidak melakukan apa-apa di sini. Apakah ini karena saya masih mencari jati diri? Sudah cukupkah saya di sini?

Sebenarnya tidak ada masalah disini. Semuanya baik-baik saja. Hanya saja semua ini terasa tidak menantang, tidak ada yang saya pelajari lagi. Semuanya semu. Hanya lewat di hati.

Akhirnya saya sadar; saya harus pergi.

Lagi.

23

1st May. May day. But for me, that is a day of a new day(life) for me. My birth day.

Thank you for everything.

I am sending my gratitude to Allah SWT, my parents for having me so far, my sisters and brother, my family. They always there, they always be my home even though I am as I am. Whom not a really nice, immature, unwise, lazy girl.

I am really thankful for my best friends, they are people who still with me even though I am as I am. I am not that funny, not that good listener, not a good joker, not always ready to pick up their phones nor listen to their sad stories. I am a bad friend but they are still there. Which makes me so grateful that I have still friends surround me.

I really want to say thank you for myself. That has been working so hard to make me be here up until now. As I am now. But I wish that I can be more a good person in the future, makes my parents proud even more, a more greater role model for my siblings, more better in work, more open with new people, be a good friend to your best friends, more open-minded and show my feelings more to people, let new people getting into my life, and more love your own self.

I just want to say, Happy Birthday! 23 is a great number!

Europe tour

I just got back from my short trip to Europe a couple days ago. It was an astonish experience, since I decided to travel alone, by myself, to give more time for myself to think and understand of how life works.

The journey was, how should I called it, an expensive one? I am not only talking in terms of value in money, but also in value of time. I was like trading my life to those two weeks moment (even though later on many things happened, like my phone was turned out broken and all of photos taken there was gone, I am still okay. I remember all little things happened there).

During my weeks there for working, I met amazing people with high integrity and good professional manner. I guess many things has to be upgraded in my working method, and how I solve everything surround. Those people that sent to HQ was selected and I, luckily was one of them. We were talking in group, thinking about ideas and improvement methods. One thing back then that was popped out in my head was "Ah, there are many journeys in here, still long way to go". I see a glimpse of world in that room filled with 70 heads that time.

I visited some places in my trip. You know, I like to emphasize the chance I have. I stayed for week in Stuttgart, Karlsruhe, and Munich of Germany. I really enjoyed my learning curves there, like when was asking people to help me buy the train ticket from the machine, saying goodbye and thank you in local language, visiting local events and markets there, enjoying the home made brewery with locals, riding a local public transportation, sipping local coffee, and getting troubled with security control there. That was amazing :)

And I also met many new friends from all over the world. They are from Japan (for sure), Turkey, Germany, Korea, Australia, USA, Prague, Brazil, and Mexico. Only me is coming from ASEAN. A-ma-zing, since not often we show up in international event like that. All of that was happened thanks to my superior and boss that allowed me to go there and used their budget. Like thanks!

After finished for working stuff, I extended my trip to do personal stuffs. I visited my friend in Rotterdam, we met during open trip in Indonesia couple months ago. She invited me to stay in her house and I was accepted that. So from Munich, I went along the lines to go there. I visited Salzburg, Austria (and cancelled my trip to Prague since it was too far from the Netherlands), and Antwerp, Brussels of Belgium. It was so lovely to stays for week as local in Holland. I was riding a bike, visiting museum, shopping to the local grocery shop, tapping the ticket as local, saying thanks in Deutsch (haha), seeing the tulip, cheesy cheese, freezing super cold since the wind was too strong (event that was in Spring), seeing snow in the first time of my life, and feeling super grateful for my friend having me as super best host ever in the world!

Europe has showed me its charm, many times. Now I have experienced it by myself. And I cannot wait to come back again, to stay there a little longer while pursue my study there. I love the people, love the fresh air there, love how the wind blows there. Everything is new for me but that's what makes me want to go back again. I will be back :)